By Ilene Black
I readily admit that I am getting old and things that never bugged me before bug me now. Perhaps this is why I have spent so much time lately plotting ways to scare the college kids that walk up and down my road at night.
Now normally I would not care. They are college kids. I had college kids once and I know exactly how they behave. So I have been tolerant of the noise they create at night while walking down my street on the way to off-campus parties. Up till now. The cranky old lady is getting aggravated and creative thinking is required to solve this annoyance.
Recently, I heard a noise on the side of our house. It was very late on a Saturday night. I went out onto our porch and I see a young inebriated male urinating on my rhododendron. I went out and said, “Excuse me, can I help you?” to him. He turned, with no alarm in his face, and told me to “ssshhhhh.”
I was surprised, to put it mildly, and said, “I will not shush. You are urinating on my rhododendron. Why are you urinating on my rhododendron?” He repeated his request to ssssshhhh. I went into the house to get my husband George but by the time we came back, he was gone.
I have considered simply putting up a sign on my lawn that says, “QUIET after 10 p.m. Old people sleeping.” But I am afraid that my house will then become a target for vandalism and then I’ll be forced to sic my 9-pound, almost toothless Yorkie on them. Yeah, that oughta nip the problem in the bud.
I was close to hitting the panic button on George’s car alarm the other night to scare them into being quiet, but again, I don’t trust anyone not to heave a brick through the windshield after something like that.
So I have given some thought to how I can deter these kids from yelling, screaming, fighting, urinating, throwing bottles and other trash on our lawns. Here’s a few ideas:
1. I dress in black and sit on my roof with the hose. When the gangs of kids start their procession down the street, I wait till they are in front of my house and then I soak them. This could also work well with water balloons. Problem — I hate heights and don’t believe I can get on my roof without calamity striking.
2. I make a recording of a very deep-voiced dog barking and growling, perhaps with screams in the background, and I play it when they are outside my house. Problem — the kids are so loud they probably won’t hear the recording.
3. I get my sons to sit in lawn chairs on the sidewalk. Lying in wait, if you will. Problem — I am afraid my sons will begin a conversation with the kids and end up joining them.
4. I make a recording of heavy gunfire and play it, through a megaphone. Problem — see #2. And also, I would scare my neighbors. Badly.
5. I buy an airhorn and blast it. And keep blasting it until they are gone. I’ve always wanted an airhorn. Problem — I will deafen not only the kids but myself, my husband George, the dog and anyone within a 100-yard radius.
6. I rent a police car and park it in my driveway. Problem — it costs like a thousand bucks to rent a police car for one day.
7. I develop a remote-controlled cage-like structure that, when activated, comes crashing down and captures the kids. Then I go out there dressed as something scary (an executioner, a nun, myself) and reduce them to tears with threats of blood alcohol level checks, calling the police and their parents and a slide presentation about the dangers of annoying 58-year-old women.
I think I’ll go with #5, because this way I can use the airhorn all the time. Like when someone is driving stupidly. Or when someone is taking too long in the grocery store checkout lane. Or when George tells me to relax and not worry about the college kids making noise.
