Every so often a news story comes along that galvanizes a nation and forces us to rethink fundamental ways of doing things, including the way we talk to our kids and help them develop their moral compass. Suddenly, our little community has provided the backdrop for a story that has made its way around the world and is providing fodder for those talking heads of TV 24/7. It is shocking, surreal and heartbreaking. Of course, that story is the tragic suicide of Tyler Clementi and the alleged role of two of our local students in driving him to his death. Three families, three young people, so many lives altered forever.
Kids are always going to find new ways of getting into trouble, and it would be impossible for parents to have the time and creativity to anticipate everything they might do. But this incident is forcing the conversation in a new direction, and all over West Windsor and Plainsboro, parents are reinforcing ideas about what is acceptable behavior on the Internet and what is not; what constitutes bullying, and how we should all try to be more understanding and tolerant.
Carolyn Niemann of Plainsboro says she can see how easily this incident occurred because she feels kids now are raised with an expectation that they put their every thought and action out for public view. “Just because you have the capability to do something, see something, or record something doesn’t mean that you SHOULD. I’ve explained to my three boys that in my era, if I spread a rumor or disclosed something in my college dorm, that information might spread to 10 people or 100 people. Now, it’s disseminated to 10,000 or 100,000. The scale is much greater. Furthermore, everything we do online creates a digital record, so the potential for something hurtful or damaging potentially stays in play for much longer. I’ve reminded them that if they have any doubt about whether something posted publicly might offend someone, hurt someone’s feelings, or reflect badly on them as the ‘poster,’ they should err on the side of not posting it.”
Kathy Modi of West Windsor says she would like to see the federal government step in to impose harsh punishments for those who misuse the Internet or use it as a forum for bullying. “Schools are not willing to tackle the content on the world wide web, which is above their realm of duties, but I think there should be tighter consequences for those who knowingly post content that causes harm to others.” She says she and her daughter Jenna, a senior at High School South, are very saddened by the recent increase in suicides nationally and here at home. In addition to Clementi, High School South suffered the recent suicide of soccer coach and teacher Brian Welsh, and North experienced the suicide of Kenny Baker last year.
Kristie Smith of Plainsboro says the idea of cameras on the computer is frightening, especially when you consider what happened in this case. “Our kids can be raised with the best morals and values, but once they walk out the door and turn the corner no one truly knows what their kids are doing. We can only pray and hope for the best. I think we need to teach our kids more about the negative sides of improper use of the Internet. People are being so cruel and there are victims that are not always strong enough to cope with these situations. We also need to focus on suicide and how to detect the symptoms and teach each other to speak up for friends and family members when they are in trouble and won’t share it themselves.”
Fellow Plainsboro mom Leanne Bell says we have come to rely too much on the Internet and that lack of communication is the problem. “Everything is done via text, Facebook, Twitter, so there’s no verbal, face-to-face communication. What happened to the idea of tolerance? We as a society have allowed our children to not be tolerant of differences no matter what they may be. My sons have friends who are not at all tolerant. They are afraid to confront them on their abusive words about these differences. Why? They feel that they will be made fun of and shunned.”
A West Windsor mom whose children are in middle school — often a sensitive time for kids — asked that her name not be used. But she worried about the apparent lack of empathy, understanding, or acceptance of the roommate by the two WW-P alumni. “Did they stop and think I wouldn’t want this done to me? There are efforts at Grover Middle School to really raise awareness about the misuse and dangers of the Internet. The kids in school now will learn valuable and important lessons from this incident. However the two Rutgers students were on the cusp of student education about the Internet. Did they hear these messages in middle school about Internet safety and misuse? Today’s kids can tell you about drinking and driving, smoking, and recycling. The upcoming generation of middle and elementary school kids must have the need for responsible Internet usage reinforced as well.”
This mom adds: “Clearly not enough time has been focused on personal or social responsibility. There is a tremendous focus on grades but it is a very self-centered focused.”
Tracey Merrill of West Windsor recalls how she and her husband watched the Tyler Clementi story unfold on the Today Show with horror, especially when they realized the local connection. That night they discussed it with their son and daughter, one in middle school, the other in high school. “I explained that the two students accused of bullying had just graduated from North last June and their eyes almost popped out of their heads. They couldn’t believe that kids from around ‘HERE’ could possibly do something like that, and what that told me was that I haven’t been speaking enough about this type of thing and other situations like well enough. So that scared us quite a bit.”
Tracey says the times these children are growing up in are the scariest times of all.
I echo her sentiment and take it one step further. The times we parents are parenting in are also very frightening. We have to be vigilant and wise. We have to be compassionate. And most of all, we have to talk to our kids and know what they are doing, both in their real lives and in their cyber lives. It may be the only way to keep them safe and prevent them from harming anyone else.
