As you may have heard, the price of water in Hopewell Borough just went up by a whole lot. One of the borough’s pipes had an undetected leak, and by the time it was found, Hopewell had oozed away 6 million gallons of water
According to Councilman David Mackie: “Once that leak was fixed in October 2023, our water consumption dropped by 20,000 gallons a day.”
But now Hopewell needs to raise $220,000 to cover the cost of that lost water. Local businesses are not happy. Some may see their water bill go up by over 50%. So what can you do in response to an increase in your water bill which, if you haven’t noticed, is already quite high?
Cutting down on showers? A typical shower uses five to ten gallons of water a minute. Can you limit showers to one minute? How fast can you soap and rinse?
How about no showers? Wait until it rains, grab soap and a towel and rush outside. Maybe no one will notice your standing outside naked. Oh, OK. Put on a bathing suit.
So what if it’s really cold. Think about folks in Scandinavia who pay good money to take ice cold baths convinced of its health benefits. You could do the same for free.
Or, fill the bathtub and everyone in the house can dip in for a quick wash and jump out again. Too much soap is being used. Too much rinsing is going on. Time to cut back. Furthermore, too much washing dries out your skin.
Worried about smelling bad? Millions of perfumes, colognes, and deodorants are readily available to cover up disagreeable scents. If it was good enough for the 19th century, it’s good enough for the 21st.
If there are teenagers in your household, notorious for taking two-hour showers, now might be the time to consider putting them up for adoption.
How about cutting back on drinking water? After all, there are so many better substitutes: Beer, Wine, Hawaiian Fruit Punch. Furthermore, most all water is contaminated with PFAS, the omnipresent forever chemical, that turns out to be quite dangerous,so dangerous that the federal government is about to require that it be filtered out of all water supplies.
You can begin the process of filtering by just not letting water pass your lips. Abstinence is the kind of self-discipline that you want to introduce to your lifestyle. Once you get accustomed to being an ascetic, ecstatic spiritual enlightenment is only a few decades away.
Speaking of forever chemicals, while you are contemplating the massive size of your water bill, why not consider suing the big companies that introduced those chemicals into your water supply? All you need is one successful million dollar suit, and you won’t care about your water bill or any other bills for that matter.
Washing dishes? Why not go down to the Delaware, if it’s not out of your way, and wash them there. While down there, you can also wash your clothes in the river and beat them on rocks, just like perfectly happy people do in allegedly less-developed parts of the world. Reserve your spot on the riverbank now. The number of spaces is limited.
Remember back a few decades when everyone started being ecologically conscious and unabashedly uttered the slogan, “Don’t flush for everything”? Well, how about “Don’t flush for anything”? Better yet, how about digging a pit in the backyard? Or, have you considered honoring your forebears by erecting a handsome outhouse? Contests could be held focused on whose privy is most artistically decorated. Think what that could do to further enhance our sense of community.
Unfortunately, renting a port-a-potty would not be cost effective. Prices range between $223 and $364 per week.
In case you didn’t know, you do not need to water your garden. Why not hook up a rain barrel to one of your downspouts. It only takes one good downpour to fill a 55 gallon container. Or stick to plantings that do not require heavy watering like saguaro cacti or dandelions. When you buy plants or bulbs, look for the label “drought resistant,” and stop being so fussy.
Lawns are overrated. Cultivating one is a clear sign of being worried about what the neighbors think. Let lawns revert to the meadows they were meant to be. What survives is a true return to nature. Make birds, caterpillars, and rabbits happy now.
Never wash your car. That’s what rain is for. Besides, who cares if your car is shiny bright? The money saved by not washing your car can be reallocated for therapy and appropriate medication.
Not the author. (Image generated with AI.),
