There is much discussion in the community regarding the new “whole child” curriculum in the WW-P School District. Many parents are afraid that their children will not be challenged enough in school, and therefore, will not be successful in life. We, at Attitudes In Reverse, have been away in California, starting a West Coast chapter, and have been quiet on this topic so far. I can be quiet no longer.
I used to believe that. As parents in the WW-P district, we began to build our children’s college resumes in kindergarten. As young parents, we heard from others, “They must be involved in sports for a possible future scholarship or help with entrance to college.” In the fall, there was soccer; in the winter, basketball; and spring segued into softball and Little League. Summer was filled with swim lessons.
We were also encouraged to do an after-school enrichment math program to get an academic advantage. Our son, Kenny, struggled, bringing him to tears at times. We knew he was incredibly intelligent. At the age of 6, he was tested and we found out he had a high IQ and had the long term memory of a 29 year old. We also discovered he had dyslexia. In working on this math program, Kenny’s brain would flip all of the numbers around, and he had a difficult time completing the exercises within the time requirements. Seeing that this program started to destroy his self-confidence, we stopped. It is critical to understand that many of these after-school programs are wonderful for some, but they are not designed for all, and it is no one’s “fault.”
In freshman year in high school, Kenny was so busy building that college resume that he was beginning to sleep less and less. Most nights, he would sleep only two to three hours. I asked him, “How is your body not shutting down?” What I didn’t realize is that it was his brain that was shutting down. I believe that it was severe sleep deprivation that triggered his mental health disorder. Depression and anxiety are evil illnesses that feed upon themselves. They cause lack of sleep, and lack of sleep worsens the illnesses.
As volunteers for Attitudes In Reverse, our family non-profit, dedicated to educating youth and saving lives, we present the Coming Up For AIR program and talk a lot about sleep. I am shocked to see that the majority of our students are not getting enough sleep. We share with them that their brain continues to develop until age 25, and their bodies grow in their sleep. If they are not getting enough sleep, they are cheating their brains out of proper growth and development, which are critical for their lifetime.
Growing up, Kenny did fit the mold of the WW-P student. For those of you who knew our son, you know he was a hard working student and athlete. He had mostly A’s and B’s in spite of his dyslexia. He was in the math honors program. He swam on two teams. He worked as a lifeguard at the YWCA. He taught swim lessons. He prided himself on doing well. He was kind and caring and his swim mates shared with me that he inspired others to be better swimmers. Once his illness hit freshman year, that mold blew up into pieces and he was no longer a “typical” WW-P student, and as a result, he was judged and criticized.
As part of the Coming Up For AIR program, we encourage all students to be kinder to each other. No one should judge, as we never know what others might be struggling with in silence. Too often, young people are afraid to speak openly or ask for help for fear of being bullied. Kenny was so embarrassed by his illness that he told everyone that he had mononucleosis for more than three years. We watched Kenny fall from being that typical, successful WWP student, to someone who others believed was a “loser,” all because of a real biological illness.
What I think about now is, “What is the typical WW-P student?” It is perceived as the perfect student, excelling in academics, sports and activities. However, how many of us are perfect?
What happens when our children find out that they are not perfect, and there will be times that they fail? Failure is normal, happening to everyone, and we must learn from our failures to become better, more successful people. What happens when our children grow up believing that failure is not an option?
Here are statistics from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) that every parent needs to know:
Suicide is now the second leading cause of death of our nation’s young people, ages 10 to 24. Sixteen percent of our youth report seriously considering suicide. Thirteen percent report having a plan to end their lives. Eight percent report having made an attempt to take their own lives. The U.S. loses 11,000 college students to suicide annually.
Too often, our young people respond to stress with self-medication and turn to drugs and alcohol. The CDC reports that the national rate of heroin overdose deaths has nearly tripled since 2010. According to the CDC, the heroin crisis in New Jersey is far greater than it is in the rest of the country, with triple the heroin overdose rate of all other states.
The number of students who refuse to go to school each day continues to climb. Five to 28 percent of students will exhibit some degree of school refusal behavior at some point. School refusal is most often anxiety and stress related.
Your child may be the exception, and thrive in a stressful environment. You may believe that mental health disorders and suicidal ideation will never affect your child, but did you know that people with mental health disorders have an average IQ at least 10 points higher than those in the general population? Most often, it is our brightest and most talented students who are at greatest risk.
How I wish that I knew then what I know now. How I wish life had “do overs.”
I wish that parents can see what I see when I meet with students. We talk about stress. We talk about mental health issues. We talk about thoughts of suicide. How I wish parents would be flies on the wall, and see their children speak openly about their struggles; hear how so very many are embarrassed or afraid to ask for help, even from their parents.
I have educated more than 22,000 students in four states, and have spoken face-to-face with more than 100,000 youth across the country. The themes are the same everywhere:
There is too much pressure and the expectations on many students are too high. (This can be an internal pressure based on their environment or external pressure.) Students don’t want to let their parents down. Some students don’t want to make their parents’ lives more difficult. Students don’t want to cause their parents worry. Students don’t want to place a financial burden on their families as they understand that the cost of mental health care can be very high.
If life had do overs, the big thing I would change is the amount of effort we put into having our child keep up with his school peers, understanding that every child is unique. I would slow things down and not focus so much on that damned college resume. For those of you who have followed our story you know Kenny never made it to college. He died three weeks prior to graduation. What good did all of that preparation do for Kenny? It created a child full of stress and anxiety. A child who could not sleep at night due to the overwhelming pressures he felt from all around him, and from within himself.
I did learn from Kenny’s illnesses and death and took a much different approach with our daughter. She was not the “typical” WW-P student. She did not have good grades at graduation. She is finding her way and setting her own path in her own time frame. I am proud to announce that she is currently on the dean’s list at The College of New Jersey, while working a part-time job and helping with Attitudes In Reverse.
I applaud Dr. Aderhold and all of the board members who are supporting this new approach in the Whole Child curriculum. It is critical for young people to have down time. It is important that there is more relaxed family time so that parents can see the signs and symptoms, should a mental health disorder start to rear its ugly head. Twenty-five percent of our population, including our youth, will have some mental health disorder. Mental health disorders are highly treatable — the earlier you identify the illness, the more likely the success of treatment.
School is where our youth learn how to learn. It is for developing a love of learning and preparing them to understand that to be successful in life, we must continue to learn throughout our lives. It is where our children learn failures are OK, as long as we learn from them and move forward. I am so relieved that teachers will need to understand this, as well. If teachers are not on board, the new programming will not be successful.
There will be many who disagree, but I believe in the core of my soul, knowing what I know now, seeing what I have seen and hearing what I hear from students, that this new approach will save children’s lives. You, however, may not ever realize that it was your child whose life was saved.
Tricia Baker
Co-Founder, Attitudes In Reverse
