In response to Kathy Bybee’s December 16 letter about letting Ravi and Molly off the hook, and defining Ravi as a “victim,” it is incumbent for us as a community to really understand what is happening to youth in our community and others. What Ms. Bybee doesn’t understand is that Molly and Ravi are the bullies and that Tyler and Tyler’s parents are the victims. The Clementis have lost a son.
What’s even scarier is that these two bullies are just the tip of the iceberg; there are hundreds of Ravi and Molly bullies in the pipeline— thousands of other high school and college students, lacking in empathy, ready to bully, cyberbully, embarrass, and exclude.
Did any of Molly’s or Dhuran’s friends say “no” or “stop” when they heard what they were up to? Apparently not, because the video was posted online. There is a virus growing in our culture and it is known as predatory behavior, bullying, and bystander behavior.
Young, developing brains don’t mature until 23-25 years old. Biological research says that the frontal cortex doesn’t fully develop until the early 20s, biasing the adolescent’s action toward immediate over long-term gains. And yet we collectively barrage our ’tweens, teens, and young adults with sanctioned images of exclusion, humiliation, and violence. By allowing today’s media into our homes, we pay for and sanction attitudes and behaviors that create bullies, bystanders, and thousands like Ravi and Molly.
Empathy has been declining for teens, according to recent research. College students today have less empathy than people their age did two to three decades ago, according to a study from the University of Michigan. The analysis indicated that relative to their late-1970s counterparts, today’s college students are less likely to make an effort to understand their friends’ perspectives or to feel tenderness or concern for the less fortunate.
“Many people see the current group of college students — sometimes called ‘Generation Me’ — as one of the most self-centered, narcissistic, competitive, confident, and individualistic in recent history,” observed Sara Konrath, one of the study’s researchers. The study cited increased media exposure and more competitive social environments as possible reasons for the dip in empathy.
In response to Ms. Bybee’s comment about “acting like teenagers,” we must delineate that listening to someone’s door as an invasion of privacy cannot be likened to sending a video that goes viral to thousands of spectators. One is private — the other is global with dire, permanent, and irreversible consequences.
So what’s the number of kid suicides that will be the tipping point for us? How close to your family will bullying have to occur for it to become urgent enough for your attention? Lacking in empathy skills, Ravi and Molly are products of our very own school district — WW-P High School North.
Though our district does dabble in a few good character education programs, mostly non evidence-based, its priorities are academics and sports, turning its back to a real commitment to holistic and comprehensive character education.
New Jersey has an annual Schools of Character (NJSOC)/NJ Alliance for Social, Emotional and Character Development competition; unfortunately, our district is unable to submit an application as a district or individual school. As a result, none of our schools can qualify to be recognized as a real School of Character in our state or at the national level. Each year winners in Mercer County come from the Hamilton, Ewing and Lawrence school districts — each with robust consistent and holistic “caring community” programs.
Accept that educators/school administrators cannot solve this problem alone. We as parents, adults in the community, and business leaders must partner with educators. Bullying is real and on the rise. Cyberbullying is escalating. We are fostering more and more desensitized kids capable of disturbing and harmful behavior.
By the way, this is the second suicide at Rutgers for harassment and Rutgers is not the only college, high school, or middle school that needs to make school life safer for all students. And let’s not forget the recent suicides of Asher Brown, Phoebe Price, Carl Walker Hoover, Billy Lucas, Seth Walsh, and all the other kids too numerous to list here. Because Tyler has so many compatriots, tragically, a word was created to define the new epidemic — bullycide.
These losses serve as teachable moment suggestions for parents, youth and educators including:
Discuss decency, privacy and invasion of privacy.
Discuss social media: what’s good about it and what’s not?
Examine desensitization: what kind of media numbs us to kindness, civility and respect?
Discuss why there is so much humiliation and exclusion shown on TV/internet, often with a “laugh track.”
Watch reality shows with your kids; dissect and discuss them.
Consider the need for more tolerance museums like the one on campus at the College of New Jersey (perhaps create one at Rutgers?).
Tyler’s parents issued this statement: “Our hope is that our family’s personal tragedy will serve as a call for compassion, empathy and human dignity.” Ms. Bybee, can you hear Tyler’s parents calling you? They are asking you and others to understand the facts and get involved. Tyler and his parents are the victims; Ravi, Molly and their bystander friends were the bullies. Let’s work together to prevent more teasing, cyberbullying and bullycides. How many headlines will it take for us to work harder collectively to educate bullies, raise victim empowerment and transform bystanders into Upstanders, making our schools and colleges safer for everyone?
Lynne Azarchi Steinhauser
Lynne Azarchi Steinhauser, a West Windsor resident, is executive director of Kidsbridge, which has created a tolerance museum at the College of New Jersey in Ewing, with college students and retired seniors as docents. The museum features the exhibit “Face to Face: Dealing with Prejudice and Discrimination,” and includes exhibits on name-calling, anti-bullying, heroes, community service, Bystander and Upstander behavior, and media literacy. Each year, the museum is visited by schoolchildren, leadership groups, Boy/Girl Scouts and faith groups. Kidsbridge conducts an annual competition for community service and provides other character education and diversity appreciation programs, including weekly life skills programs for Trenton youth. www.kidsbridgemuseum.org. or www.kidsbridgemuseum.wordpress.com
