While I attended a conference in Seattle, Bill took Will on a college visit. Upon my return, I reminded Will to send a thank you note to the coach who hosted him and he told me he’d already done that. Shazam, bam, happiness; it was a moment of victory for me, the mom who had always reminded her kids of the value of a thank you note — sincerity and timeliness being the two most important factors.
Last spring, his close circle of friends decided they wanted a limousine to take them to prom. When one set of parents stepped up to foot the bill, we contacted them to let them know we’d be happy to chip in. They demurred — their treat — and we accepted graciously.
But when the evening was over, I made sure Will crafted a handwritten thank you note and sent it by mail the next morning to acknowledge their generosity. Later, those parents came up to us to thank us for the thank you; apparently Will was the only kid who had written a note, much less acknowledged the gesture at all. Shocking, right?
At a time in history when rudeness reigns, bad behavior has run amok, and negative role models rule the airwaves, it is more important than ever that parents step up to set the standard for good manners. It starts with please and thank you when the children are young, and grows to include old-fashioned actions like holding open doors, letting others step off and onto elevators first and opening car doors. I’m old fashioned enough to have taught Will — being the young gentleman of the house — to walk on the outside of the sidewalk when with a female friend (goes back to the days of horse and carriage when mud from the street would kick up onto pedestrians) and all our kids know to stand up to greet an elder who walks into a room.
My mother ingrained in me never to go as a guest into someone’s home with “Bihn-sohn” literally translated from Korean as “empty-hands,” which we have in the English language as well. It feels strange to me not to bring something to contribute to a meal or a party, so even if it’s just a six-pack of soda or a couple of bags of chips, I make Will take them along, despite protestations that it really won’t be necessary.
I can understand how kids and teens might not “get” this nicety because first, they have to be taught and second, they do have time to grow into this custom, but adults who arrive to the party loud and empty-handed, expecting a good time on everyone else’s dime and hospitality have no excuse — did they really grow up in a barnyard? Apparently, some have.
As a good hostess, of course I always make sure I have plenty for my guests to eat and drink, and I enjoy cooking for a crowd, especially because it’s so infrequent, and the opportunities for large gatherings are rare.
And it’s never that I need or want anything — I know the drill well by now and I’m a cleaning, shopping and cooking machine. But it’s always the thought that counts and gratitude and appreciation are the only gifts I would ever want or expect. And oh yes, common sense and kindness would be nice too. Sadly, too often all of that is in short supply, even with age and education boosting the odds.
I am disturbed by the deterioration of manners all around me, but I shouldn’t be surprised. But I also don’t have to give in and join the crowd.
There is a lot of cacophony in the world these days and especially on television, with voices raised in rabid argument which passes as intellectual discourse.
Young children are being exposed to a terrible example when they see that it’s okay to interrupt and shout over others. They observe that if you’re losing an argument, you might as well resort to name calling and inflammatory accusations because people will listen.
I am disturbed by the deterioration of manners all around me, but I shouldn’t be surprised. But I also don’t have to give in and join the crowd. I can hold to my own standards and continue to observe good manners myself and just as importantly, continue to model good manners for my children, no matter how old they are.
It would be way too late to begin now, but you reap what you sow, and I’d like to think that we’ve been instilling good thoughts and encouraging good deeds right from the beginning so that as young adults, they know just what to do.
What this country needs is a good old-fashioned reset. Wipe the slate clean of the hype and nonsense and get back to respect and civility. I’d like to think we can heal quickly, despite the months of hard punches leading up to this election. Not just please and thank you, but excuse me, I’m sorry, I understand, let’s work this out together — these are the words that will be needed to bring our fractured country back on Nov. 9.
Meanwhile, since we can’t fix the behavior of those who should know better — whether they’re politicians or parents — we can teach our own children well and remind them that good manners and thoughtfulness are the true marks of class — timeless and always welcome.
suburban mom,
