By Ilene Black
George and I went down the shore the other day. We are old people, so we tend to leave home at the crack of dawn, get to the beach before the seagulls are awake, and leave by 1:30 p.m. when other people are staggering onto the sand for the day.
We set up our little area with our cooler, our beach mat, our chairs and our little table. Yes, table. It’s a little white table with short fold-up legs that sits between us and holds our cell phones and our coffee. Yes, our coffee. I told you we were old.
Anyway, so we were happily ensconced in our little beach area, sipping coffee and enjoying the restful view of the ocean and the boats. Relaxed, content, a bit sleepy from getting up so darn early. All of a sudden, our peace was shattered by a family of eight adults and about seven thousand children. I truly believe that this was the first time these kids ever saw the ocean. They ran, screaming, to the water’s edge and then just kept screaming. Scared the living daylights out of us.
The adults were carrying bulging Shop-Rite bags, tables (bigger than ours), chairs, umbrellas, coolers and a baby pool. George and I exchanged looks while silently praying that they didn’t set up camp next to us. They didn’t. Thank God.
So I share this story with you for a reason. Allow me to segue into my updated list of Beach Etiquette Rules. (It is updated because I wrote something similar a few years ago)
Beach Etiquette Rule 1: Do not bring furniture to the beach. Like, furniture from your house. Like, a kitchenette. Don’t laugh. I’ve seen it.
Beach Etiquette Rule 2: Don’t sit anywhere near me. Not even 50 yards away. And if you do breach my perimeter, be prepared for me to judge you, your swimwear, behavior, beach chair and what you eat and drink. Chances are I’ll find you and your possessions severely lacking and I’ll most likely demonstrate my disapproval with dirty looks.
Beach Etiquette Rule 3: Speaking of sitting near me, do not park your camp in front of me, between me and the ocean. Do not! I didn’t make the trip across the state to stare at the back of your head and watch you eat a Quick Check sub. There must be something about me and George that attracts the hordes. Either our stunning good looks or our air of serenity. I’m not sure which it is. But honestly, we could set up our beach chairs right at the water’s edge and people would still set up in front of us. On pontoon boats or floating rafts.
Beach Etiquette Rule 4: If you see me standing in the water up to my ankles and trying to avoid getting smacked by a wave, do not run into me while riding your boogie board. Learn to steer the thing or one of two things will happen: 1) I will rat you out to the lifeguard, or 2) I will confiscate your boogie board and turn it into a Frisbee. Plus I can guarantee that you and I will have words.
Beach Etiquette Rule 5: Don’t litter. Don’t leave your water bottles, baby toys, food wrappers, chip bags, empty suntan lotion bottles and other detritus on the beach. There are trash cans lined up on either side of the path to the beach. You will literally run into them if you stray off the path. They are noticeable. Carry your crap the 50 yards to the trashcans and drop it in. It’s not hard. You are the first person to whine if there is litter on the sand where you want to park your beach caravan. So keep it clean. This is one of the many times when I wish I had magical powers. After seeing what people leave behind on the beach, I’d love to conjure up a spell that would take their trash and fill their car with it.
I guess beachgoing rules are pretty much like life rules. Be respectful, be kind to the environment, be unselfish, enjoy yourself and stay out of my way.
