A high school junior lets her friends know that she and her family will be away on vacation. She also gives them the code to enter their home through their garage.##M:[more]## During the family’s absence, these friends let themselves into the house, invite other friends, and throw a party, complete with loud music and alcohol. A neighbor, entrusted to keep an eye on the house, calls the police, ending the party and bringing the kids to a rude awakening with possible breaking and entering charges, in addition to penalties for underage drinking.
The party is for seniors who are coming from as many as 50 miles away for a post-prom event. The host parents figure that even though they are well below the legal age of 21 to consume liquor, the kids will drink anyway. After all, they are seniors, about to go off to college in the fall where there are no parental controls, so the host parents decide to provide a safe place inside their own home where they will serve alcohol in a controlled environment. The local police get wind of the event and descend upon the party, performing breathalyzer tests on every single kid there.
A mother drops her sophomore daughter off at her friend’s house for a Friday night get-together. At the front door, she discovers that the host parents are going out and won’t be back for several hours, leaving the group unsupervised for that time. She doesn’t want to embarrass her daughter by taking her home, so she lets her stay, even though she’s not comfortable with the idea of an unchaperoned party.
Another mother allows her daughter to have a mixed group of six other freshmen over to watch movies in the basement. She gets enough pizza and soda to feed an army, but the kids apparently have their own ideas. At the end of the evening, while she’s cleaning up the basement, she discovers a hidden cache of freshly emptied beer bottles.
These are all true stories. I should know. I’m the last parent described, and I wrote a column last spring about my unfortunate discovery. The high school social scene opens up a brave new world. While it is and should be a period of fun and discovery, it can also reveal a frightening land mine of dangers for kids and liabilities for parents.
It is scenarios like these that prompted the heads of six area private schools to send out a letter with suggested guidelines for parents in letting their kids throw and attend parties. However, these problems are by no means isolated to the private schools and should be of universal concern to parents everywhere.
Carlton Tucker is in his 13th year as head of the Upper School at Princeton Day. He’s seen firsthand the increasingly complicated social landscape that teens and their parents have to navigate every year. “Colleges will say that their biggest issues do not revolve around academics or fundraising. Their biggest worries have to do with binge-drinking that has been growing on most campuses. As a general rule, those same issues have been of growing concern for high schools as well.”
He says the letter was sent out with the hope of igniting awareness among parents and opening up channels of dialogue. The guidelines give every parent, no matter what background, age, or level of experience, a chance to work literally off the same page and in partnership with school authorities. “Look how long it took to convince people to use seat belts, even to recognize how dangerous it is to drink and drive,” observes Tucker. “Social norms have grown through people recognizing that some behaviors are not appropriate and there are consequences. Parents have to recognize that the legal liability is huge. If you go out of town and leave your child at home, you may still be liable for something that happens during a party at your house.”
What does he think about the argument that if you know that the older kids, especially the seniors, are going to drink anyway, it’s better to let them do it under your roof with your knowledge and consent? “I might buy that if you serve liquor to your own child. That’s one thing. But to serve liquor to someone else’s child, a minor, that’s illegal. And do other parents know the conditions that are being established? It’s just not a good idea, not to mention the potential liability.”
I asked Tucker to comment on the growing phenomenon of co-ed sleepovers to accommodate such scenarios where drinking is permitted so that keeping drivers off the road after the party is the goal. He acknowledges that co-ed sleepovers have become more commonplace, especially at times when great distances and safety put a practical spin on the idea. “I’ve seen this scenario played out as we’ll take away the car keys, keep everyone here and create a safe environment for people to learn how to drink.” But, he warns, that raises other concerns around risky behaviors. “Common sense would dictate that mixing co-ed sleepovers and alcohol would not be a good idea. You might be keeping them off the road but you’re potentially creating other issues.”
As the father of two elementary school-aged kids, Tucker is not yet grappling with these issues as a parent, but as a school administrator, his top priority is the safety and well-being of the students in his charge. “I know parenting these days is not easy,” he says. “That’s why it’s important to keep the channels of communication open and to keep the conversation going. We’re happy to provide these guidelines as a starting point.”
Suggested Guidelines For Parents:
Never serve alcohol to students.
Make it clear that no party is to be held in your home when you are not present.
Insist that your child leave a party if he or she finds that no parents are present.
Call ahead to confirm that the host parent is aware that the party is being given and will, in fact, be present during the entire event.
Know in advance the hours of the party and your child’s transportation arrangements.
If hosting a party, be aware that large parties are often unmanageable. Insist upon a firm guest list; general invitations lead to uninvited guests. Discuss ground rules with your son or daughter beforehand and make sure these are explained to guests prior to the party.
Parents should be visible at regular intervals during the party.
Greeting guests at the door or being introduced to guests helps to establish the proper tone.
Guests should remain inside until the party is over. If the party is outside, guests should not leave and then return to the area.
Remind your children that decent, responsible behavior is not a function of time and place, but is to be expected at all times.
It would be helpful if local parents, who will be away for extended periods, would inform the school of their absence. Such knowledge may head off trouble.
Parents who host boarding students at their homes should remember that they are responsible for their well-being.
Understand your own liability as hosts of a gathering at which underage drinking occurs.
The Suburban Mom has a “blog” at suburbanmom.typepad.com. She welcomes comments and suggestions.
