One of Will’s favorite books is Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day by Judith Viorst. It’s about a little boy who wakes up on the wrong side of the bed.##M:[more]## His day starts off badly and quickly goes from bad to worse. Will likes the story because he sees that other kids can have bad days too once in a while and that’s okay. I like it because, well frankly, misery sometimes loves company.
In fact, I like the book so much, I decided to write the Suburban Mom’s version of Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day because who among us hasn’t had one of those? So here it is with thanks to Judith Viorst and this toast to every parent out there who’s ever had a bad day: may you find the humor in life’s everyday foibles and frustrations, and may your tomorrows be better.
I overslept this morning because my alarm clock had tumbled off my nightstand and the batteries had fallen out but I didn’t notice it until it was a good half hour later than I usually get up and herd the children out of bed to get ready for school. Of course they were all grumpier than usual because they had to rush, and by the time they had gotten downstairs for breakfast, the girls had already argued over who got to use the bathroom first, and who had borrowed the zip-up without asking. I jumped in for a quick, one minute shower and discovered that even though they were running late, the kids had already managed to use up all the hot water so I stood under the freezing cold needle spike spray, shivering, and I didn’t even have time to wash my hair. I could tell it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
I heard Will calling out for me as he was getting dressed and he told me he was all out of clean underwear, and sure, enough, he was all out because I hadn’t had time to get to the laundry last night so I told him that if he turned his underwear inside out and wore it, nobody would know and it was as good as clean anyway. He looked at me very suspiciously, but obviously came to the conclusion that wearing underwear inside out was a lesser evil than going commando so he agreed to get dressed and come downstairs.
Molly looked for her favorite cereal but of course it was all gone because whoever had used up the last of it had left the empty box sitting in the pantry so I didn’t know to buy any more the last time I had run out to the grocery.
The milk was sour because somebody had left it on the counter overnight and I didn’t have milk to pour in my coffee so I didn’t get my usual cup to start off my day. We were out of time anyway so we gave up on breakfast and I felt very guilty sending the kids off to school without anything to eat, but hey, what can you do? Chalk it up to a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
Needless to say, the kids had all missed their bus so I had to drive them to school. Despite my vow to always hang up my keys on the key rack, of course, I had forgotten to do so, so I spent another good 15 minutes running around the house looking for them and I also had the kids running around like miniature Looney Tunes versions of me. I finally found my keys buried underneath the pile of papers that had come home last night — including the permission slip for the field trip that was due but that I had forgotten to fill out.
I couldn’t find my cell phone either, so I dialed up the number from the home phone. Turns out I had left my cell on vibrator mode and it vibrated and shimmied its way right off the hall table and now I think it’s broken because I can’t get a signal at all. It was very definitely shaping up to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
We went out to the driveway to get in the car, and the birds had torn open the Hefty garbage bags overflowing out of the trash and strewn orange peels and bread crusts and other unidentifiable food items all over the street. I didn’t have time to pick it up right then and there, so I left it and made a mental note to clean it up when I got home. We got to school and Katie needed lunch money and I opened my wallet and I was down to my last two dollars because I had used my last twenty last night to pick up the pizza so I gave her my last two bills and counted out another dollar in change and not only was I having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, it was obvious that my kids were off to a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day too.
After dropping off the other two and signing them in at the office, I decided that going without caffeine all morning was going to turn a bad day into one that was even worse, so I stopped at the bagel shop to get my java fix. Better late than never, I figured. But I had forgotten I was down to practically no money at all, so I had to count out my coffee money in dimes, nickels and pennies and the girl was giving me looks that I would not exactly categorize as friendly but what the heck, money is money, isn’t it, no matter what form? In the parking lot I put my coffee on the top of my car as I rummaged in my purse for my keys, and then forgot about it and left it there as I got into the car to head back home. All of a sudden I noticed a stream of brown, steaming liquid cascading down the windshield. I realized that fate was conspiring to keep me and caffeine from getting together that day.
I pulled into the drive-through ATM to withdraw some more cash and the screen told me we were already overdrawn by more than five hundred dollars and we still had a week until the end of the month and another paycheck. I decided to try to drown my sorrows in another cup of coffee. I set my purse down on the edge of the sink in the bathroom where it immediately tipped in, setting off the automatic sensor on the faucet and sending a fountain of water all over my stuff. It was definitely a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.
In fact, it was such a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day that I decided to give up so I went home and lay down to close my eyes just for a little while so I could get up with a fresh start and a new attitude. I had just drifted off to sleep when the doorbell rang and it was the UPS man needing a signature on a package. So I signed and lay down again, and this time the phone rang and it was a telemarketer telling us we could save hundreds of dollars signing up for a satellite dish. So I told him where he could put his satellite dish and hung up the phone and started in on the five loads of laundry that were calling my name.
And then I really did hear my name, and it was my kids calling out to me to tell me to wake up. Phew! It was morning. I had overslept, but my kids hadn’t, and they were helping me jumpstart my day. The terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day had all been a bad dream. Well, not really, but some days are just like that.
