DEAR SANTA:
What I really wanted for Christmas this year was the $207 million dollar Mega Millions jackpot that went to some lucky stiff out in Ohio. Since it’s too late for me to win that nice little pile of cash, I was hoping you might see fit to send the next big one my way. Actually, any jackpot will do. It doesn’t matter how large and you really don’t have to worry about pegging it to the holiday season: a gift like that would come in handy any time. And I promise to share.##M:[more]##
Short of landing a windfall, and short of the kind of bailout the Feds have given the banks, I would appreciate it ever so much if you could arrange to lower the interest rate on my mortgage just a couple of notches. Our rate stands north of six right now; four-point-five or lower would be quite delicious, and I promise to be a good girl and pump whatever extra income that generates back into the economy.
My husband and I are grateful to have jobs, have a warm roof over our heads, and have the ability to feed and clothe our children, but there are so many in this country right now who cannot say the same thing. Surely, you could see fit to load up your sleigh with lots of new jobs, foreclosure rescues, and fresh fruits and vegetables for every family, regardless of their income and food budget?
And while you’re at it, please consider packages of healthcare for my 43-million fellow countrymen, women, and children who do not have it. It is wrong that people put off receiving medical treatment they need and in some cases, could be lifesaving, because they worry about paying the bills. It is wrong that parents don’t take their children to the dentist and they suffer cavities and infections because they don’t have dental coverage. Our founding fathers promised us the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. They should have included healthcare.
Santa, now that I have addressed some of the larger items on my wish list, I’d like to chat with you about the smaller, perhaps more selfish things I’d like you to consider bringing me this year. Like so many people, I have reached the saturation point on material things, and I want to focus on helping others and spending time with my family. As for me, this year it’s all about getting back to the basics, especially when it comes to my body.
I’ve noticed that my eyes are just not what they used to be. I’ve suffered near-sightedness since the fourth grade, and if that were not enough, my near vision is starting to go. A new set of eyes would be just awesome.
Along with my eyes, my memory is starting to go. The other day, my daughter asked me for her car keys, and the two of us suffered some heart-stopping moments when I told her I didn’t have them and she insisted she had given them to me. Of course, they were in my pocket the whole time and I deserved the baleful look she gave me when I finally found them. I have so many larger issues on my mind, it is often these little details that trip me up. Could you possibly arrange for an infusion of fresh brain cells?
When people refer to your belly as a bowl full of jelly, I really feel for you. I have a similar situation going on in my mid-section; in fact, have had it going on for nigh the last 20 years, ever since I had my first child.
I’ve had some success blaming the jiggle on the children, but now that the youngest is almost 10, that excuse has run its course. My problem is that I hate ab exercises. Sit-ups make my head feel like it’s going to explode. So here’s my proposal: This country is full of bright, inventive minds. It would be nifty if you could arrange to have one of them invent an ab machine that runs your body through crunches WHILE YOU’RE ASLEEP! Isn’t that brilliant? It would be similar to the way face cream turns back the clock on your wrinkle. Snap on the Jiggle-Busting-Belly-Be-Gone, snuggle under the covers for a long winter’s nap, and wake up with a six-pack!
In a related request, I’d also like to ask for a new thyroid, one that puts my metabolism into fast forward, so I may indulge in whatever I want to eat and not have to worry. I have read about some people, mostly young men, who seem to be able to pack away enormous amounts of pasta, cookies, and cake without getting that gelatinous look, and I would truly appreciate the same ability.
Oh Santa, I’ve been such a good girl this year. Please see what you can do for me. I know you are busy and there are so many people who need so much more. I will understand if you take care of them first. I already have the best gifts money can’t buy: family, friends, and health. The only real thing I would ask for myself and for everyone is more of the same, and oh, yes, of course: Peace on Earth, bring our soldiers home, and give our new president the strength and courage he will need to lead our country out of these difficult times.
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and a Safe and Blessed New Year to all!
