It’s going to be a long hot summer. Kids can, and will, get cranky. And parents will get the urge to scream. What can you do to make this summer a more peaceful one?
One small step, according to Naomi Drew, author and parenting expert who presents a workshop, “Creating a Peaceful Summer With Your Kids: Practical Ways to Make It Happen,” Tuesday, June 21, at the Nassau Presbyterian Church in Princeton, is to get your kid to listen to you.
As Drew says, getting kids to listen is a problem for parents everywhere. “That’s the top one. Years ago it was, ‘I’m the parent, you have to listen and that’s it.’ And, we can’t feel guilty about that because that is the way we were raised and socialized. Today we are living in a gray area in terms of parenting, and people are confused about their role. Sometimes they think they have to be friends with their kids. The truth is you don’t have to be friends, you have to have a bond and trust, communication, and respect. But you also have to honor your role as parent and expect your children to honor that, too.”
A challenge parents face, especially those who have been raising their children to speak out for themselves, is what to do when they start speaking back. How, exactly, does one stop the shouting and move on to a peaceful family existence? For starters, Drew says, schedule regularly-held family meetings that take place during a quiet, neutral time. As every parent knows, it’s hard to talk rationally when you are fuming.
“I advise parents to sit down at a family meeting to enable children to have a voice and to take part in the problem-solving that comes with being a part of the family. Start off by acknowledging your child and telling them how much you love them, and then acknowledge that a problem exists.”
Drew says parents need to be clear with their children. While certain things are negotiable, and we have to make compromises, not everything needs to be negotiable — that’s not a good thing. She suggests language like, “There are certain things I’ll let you make decisions about and certain things I’m won’t. You may not like those things but that’s just the way it is.”
“Parents need to hear the child out but the child also needs to hear the parent out. That needs to be established at the very first meeting. A parent can say, ‘I’m going to let you have your say, and I will entertain your suggestions. But by the same token, in order to be a caring and respectful person, you need to honor my right to be heard.’”
A Lawrenceville resident of 13 years, Drew works regularly with groups of at-risk youngsters in Trenton, Princeton, and other communities on conflict resolution, anti-bullying, gang resistance, and anti-violence. She taught elementary education for 24 years, most recently in South Brunswick, and holds a B.A. in education from the College of New Jersey. She obtained a masters in writing from Northeastern University in 1997.
Drew has written six books including “Hope and Healing: Peaceful Parenting in an Uncertain World,” “Learning the Skills of Peacemaking,” and the award-winning “Kids’ Guide to Working Out Conflicts: How to Keep Cool, Stay Safe, and Get Along.” Two more books are in the works: “Conflict Resolution for Women,” and an easy-to-read version of the “Kids’ Guide” for elementary-school-age children.
“A lot of the strategies in the `Kids’ Guide’ for dealing with conflict comes right from the kids,” Drew says. “I’ve taken their actual words from a survey conducted with more than 1,”000 children. I’m in schools all the time, so I talk to kids about what kind of problems they’re having.”
“What kids want desperately is to be heard,” says Drew. “And that is what we want most from them as well — to hear us. But, we tune each other out when we’re yelling.”
— Fran Ianacone
“Creating a Peaceful Summer with Your Kids,” Tuesday, June 21, 7 to 8:30 p.m., Nassau Presbyterian Church, Nassau Street, Princeton. Sponsored by the Coalition for Peace Action, 609-924-5022. For more information about Naomi Drew visit www.learningpeace.com.
