Trish and Kurt Baker of Plainsboro have made it their life’s work to speak out on the issue of mental illness and removing the stigma attached to a condition that affects as many as one in four Americans. May 19 will mark exactly one year since their 19-year-old son, Kenny, ended his struggle with anxiety and depression by taking his own life, completing suicide by train on the tracks near his Princeton Collection home.
Teen suicide has been a hot topic in the news recently with a series of suicides this school year at Cornell University and the highly publicized story of the Massachusetts teenager who allegedly was driven to kill herself after relentless bullying from her classmates. May is National Mental Health Awareness Month, and there are events planned nationally and statewide around this issue.
Locally the Baker family has planned events around the anniversary of Kenny’s death and will be walking with NAMI Mercer NJ on Saturday, May 22, in a benefit to fight the stigma of mental illness. I recently sat down with Trish and Kurt to talk about what this past year has meant for them and the advocacy work they are doing in Kenny’s memory.
EKB: As you prepare for the observations in honor of Kenny’s memory, can you share your thoughts on this past year?
Trish: In the beginning you’re almost numb and then the numbness goes away and then there’s this emptiness. I think of Kenny every day, many, many times during the day. It gets hard when I see other people, friends his age moving on. I’m very happy they’re moving on, but it’s just a reminder that Kenny’s not here to move on and to grow and achieve all these wonderful milestones that you envision when your baby is born, all these wonderful things that are going to be in store for them and you just know that they are not in store for your son and that part is hard.
EKB: Aside from not having Kenny in your life day to day, what has been the hardest thing to deal with?
Trish: The hardest thing is how people have perceived Kenny and his death differently because of the way that he died. Not to say that we didn’t receive an outpouring of love and support, but after that initial period people don’t know what to say to you, so they tend to avoid you. And our belief is that it was a lot of it had to do with the stigma that is attached to the illness that he suffered from and it’s hurtful. Kenny had an illness. It could have been a heart condition. It could have been cancer. But it was an illness of the brain, and people don’t understand that.
EKB: What is the biggest misconception that people have about the way Kenny died?
Trish: There are many people out there who believe that people who complete suicide are looking for attention. They see it as a weak personality disorder. They do not see it as someone who is in pain, and what I’ve come to grips with is that suicide is not about ending life, it’s about ending pain. I think about the pain that my son lived with for so long that the only way he could end that pain was to end his life. I used to watch him suffer physical pain because of the emotional pain that was happening in his body. And people don’t understand that. They think you’re exaggerating, making things up, they avoid you.
EKB: If you could have Kenny for one more day, what would you want to say to him?
Trish: I would hug him. I would tell him that I love him. I just wanted to say goodbye to him. He never said goodbye to me, and I just wish he had said goodbye to me. He said goodbye to a lot of people but he didn’t say goodbye to me because he knew I would have figured out what he was planning. I know that he loved me. I would hug him and tell him I love him and I understand. I understand why he did what he did and he’s at peace. I wish we had found a cure for his illness. We tried. He tried very hard, and we didn’t find the right combination of medication, the right treatment. We ran out of time.
EKB: What do we have to do as a society to become more aware of what is happening with people with mental illness? How do we need to perceive it so we can be more helpful and more sensitive?
Kurt: What we have discovered is, that in our opinion, most people can be helped, and there are things that can help millions of teens and adults who are suffering from mental illness and the pain and the stigma that comes with it. Once these people come to terms that they need help, they actually have to go out and seek that help, and most people are afraid to receive the help because of they are afraid of the reaction they may get.
EKB: What are you hoping to achieve with the advocacy work that you and Trish have undertaken?
Kurt: Our goal now is to start a conversation to make people comfortable with mental illness, to seek help and ultimately to get our society to find a cure just like we’ve done with so many illnesses. Many years ago we didn’t discuss such things as breast cancer or AIDS openly. And now through active discussion and research, it seems we will be able to find answers to these kinds of illnesses. Mental illness is the last, the greatest, the most difficult to cure because it really is the only one left that does have a strong stigma attached to it. People need to understand more of what it is about, its many different forms, and the many ways it can be treated.
EKB: Can you share your thoughts as you approach this one year anniversary?
Kurt: Obviously I miss Kenny. He’s my son, our firstborn, the kid you grow up with as young parent. I remember the day that he was born. I remember all the time we spent together, and it’s very, very difficult not to have him in my life. Things will happen on a daily basis where I want to reach out and talk to Kenny about something you know he’d be interested in, and you don’t have that any more, so I miss him a lot. And I think if only we could have found a solution. We tried for so long, but we feel like we failed him and the system failed him.
National Mental Health Awareness Month Events:
Tuesday, May 4: Capital County Children’s Collaborative Resource Fair 3535 Quakerbridge Road, Suite 500, Hamilton.
Thursday, May 6: National Children’s Mental Health Awareness Day.
Wednesday, May 19: A Day to Remember Kenny. 8 a.m. Mass at Queenship of Mary Parish, Plainsboro. 11 a.m. Community Middle School –– Kenny Baker Tree Dedication Ceremony. 11 a.m. to 9 p.m.: Cheeburger Cheeburger fundraiser, Route 1 South, West Windsor. All proceeds will go to NAMI.
Saturday, May 22: NAMI Walk in Washington Crossing Park, Titusville. Registration begins at 9 a.m. Walk begins promptly at 10 a.m. Free. Music begins at 11 a.m. If anyone is interested in attending the walk, they should pre-register at: https://www.nami.org.
Attitudes In Reverse — A.I.R. Campaign. Mental Illness is like air. Just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. It is all around us. Attitudes In Reverse or AIR is the Baker family’s grass-roots campaign to help raise awareness of mental illness. The goal is to start conversations, reverse attitudes, and save lives.
To join the cause, you can wear your A.I.R T-shirt. A.I.R. T-shirts can be ordered for a small donation at www.everybodyloveskenny.com/AIR.html T-shirts will also be available at High School North beginning Monday, May 3.
