Right about now a lot of West Windsor-Plainsboro parents are feeling a rush of relief. Their teens’ college applications are all finished. Picture perfect, sent out, and on their way to some of the country’s top colleges. Exactly what the rest of us with younger children should be aspiring to, right? Not necessarily.
Last month parents in the community were invited by the WW-P PTA/PTSAs to spend an evening with Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg, a pediatrician specializing in adolescent medicine at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, a professor of pediatrics at the Penn School of Medicine, and author of such books as “Building Resilience in Children and Teens” and “Letting Go with Love and Confidence.”
A flyer announcing the event read, “Parents will leave the session better prepared to build confidence, reinforce children’s competence, foster connections, develop character and sense of contribution in their children, develop critical coping strategies, help their children and teens gain control.”
A lot to promise. So did Ginsburg deliver?
I thought so. But I would also guess that his message may not have been the one most WW-P parents were expecting. If you have heard of Ginsburg, you have probably also heard about his Seven C’s Model of Resilience for raising authentically successful children (see sidebar, page 10).
His extensive experience working with adolescents gives him an inside perspective on how we are really doing when it comes to raising teens today, and he makes no secret of the fact that he has a lot of concerns.
I wanted to go to the event because like many other hopeful moms and dads I was curious about the Seven C’s Model. I may have three kids and a lot of experience myself, but by no means would I say that I am an expert in the field of parenting. We all do the best job we can, give it our best. But the way I see it, why wouldn’t I welcome a little extra help? When it comes to the teenage years that lie ahead, I’m open to guidance.
As a parent, I did find the Seven C’s Model to be an excellent strategy to follow. But what I took away from the overall experience, was something different.
Ginsburg proposed we take a step back and self-reflect in order to see how we could better ourselves as parents and change course moving forward.
The current generation of young people is not poised for success, he told the audience of some 700 WW-P moms and dads (who had paid $5 apiece), because of the drive for perfection coming from their well-meaning, but perhaps misguided, parents. Rather than fostering high achievement and a passion to learn in our children, we are instilling a fear of failure and putting too much emphasis on performance. With all this pressure on kids today, the stakes associated with their failing are pretty high, he says. And this will destroy their potential for success tomorrow.
The subject may by nature be heavy at times, but Ginsburg has a way of making moms and dads listening to him feel comfortable, and he exemplified a deep respect for both teens and their parents as he spoke.
All parents want success for their children, he explained. The problem is how parents today define that success. If being accepted into a prestigious university fits your definition, well, Dr. Ginsburg has a few words he’d like to share with you.
He is particularly concerned for the academically elite, he said. If there was any WW-P parent in the audience whose attention he didn’t have, he got it. Dr. Ginsburg worries that we’re overly focused on presenting picture perfect kids on college applications. This is not a formula for raising healthy, resilient children and teens. We need to retrain ourselves as parents.
He explained how. For example, we might consider praising our children for their effort and hard work when they give it their all and earn a B plus, instead of demanding an A next time. I agreed, but also noted that this could be difficult if you feel like you’re the only parent in a sea of others doing so, with every other mom and dad still focused on the straight A+ report card.
He suggested we concentrate on the longer term. “Setting kids up for success in life,” not just on college applications: “You want to raise someone who thrives as a 35-year-old. That’s your job,” he says. I thought of the many parents I have come across who could have benefited from Ginsburg’s words already when their children hadn’t even gotten to preschool yet.
Ginsburg presented countless strategies and tidbits of wisdom in the two hours he shared with WW-P parents. These were the ones that most stood out to me, that I’ll take with me on my own parenting journey through the adolescent years.
I learned that I need to quiet my parenting alarm. I need to listen better, be a better sounding board. “The parent alarm,” he explained, “assumes imminent catastrophe even though the facts aren’t yet clear, and it drowns out any chance for a meaningful discussion because it cuts your child’s thoughts short.” I didn’t have to self-reflect too extensively to realize that one applied to me.
His liked his emphasis on resilience, a common theme in his books and presentations. “When adolescents are resilient,” he says, “they aren’t invulnerable, but they are equipped to handle change and rebound from adversity, rather than feeling victimized or hopeless.” Like all moms, I find it hard to see my kids going through turbulence or disappointments in life. I also know as a parent that Ginsburg is right. If we always smooth the path for our kids, clearing it of obstacles up ahead, how can they learn to navigate the rougher terrain on their own? This was a good reminder for parents to resist the urge to spring into fix-it mode.
We need to let our kids know that we want them to put forth their greatest effort, not just say “Do your best.”
We need to “catch them when they’re being good, and redirect them when they’re not,” as Ginsburg likes to say. Teach them how to take problems on, but have ways to get away from them, too. Distinguish paper tigers from real tigers. Know when good things are permanent. Play to their strengths and do not magnify their shortcomings.
We need to pay attention to what we praise and what we notice. If we want our children to hail the teachers, caregivers, and emergency workers in their own communities as heroes for their kids someday, then they need to see us doing that today. I know I do, but was I showing my kids that? I wasn’t sure, but I was going to make it a point to do so tomorrow.
Ginsburg explained to parents that the adolescent mind is incapable of comprehending lectures because they’re too abstract. He reminded us that being more sensitive to each of our kids’ temperaments will help us to better understand each one’s unique approach to life.
My favorite part of the presentation came when Ginsburg spoke about the years our children will spend trying to figure out who they are and where they fit in by comparing it to the complex task of putting together a 10,000-piece puzzle. He said something in his analogy that really caught my attention. The greatest gift you can give your child, he said, is to be the picture on the puzzle box. And that is something I plan to remind myself of, every day.
Julie Kemeklis, a West Windsor resident, is the mother of three children. She reported on the Pencil Point benefit dinner in the December 14 issue.
