Even though she was a trained and educated school psychologist, Madelyn Swift had plenty of doubts and questions as she raised her own two sons.
“When my oldest son first started drawing, he drew a picture of me as the perfect mom with blonde hair, red cheeks, a smile, a sun shining brightly, and a warm red heart — Mommy the Good. On the other side of that very same paper, he drew a different version of me. This one had blue and white scraggly hair, a zigzag line for a mouth, no sun, and a very cold green heart — Mommy the Bad. Never think for a moment that your children do not notice.”##M:[more]##
“Parenthood is on the job training. You do have to read, watch things, be in the know,” Swift continues. “We want to be comfortable being parents but so many times, you’re really not sure. I wanted to make sure that I was creating good people. You don’t get a chance to do it over again.”
Swift, recognizing that both “Mommy the Good” and “Mommy the Bad” resided within her, began a personal journey of discovery into disciplining children. She also founded “Childright,” an organization that provides training to educators, parents and corporations around the world through books, seminars, and DVDs that approach questions about discipline with common sense, life principles, and easy-to-understand strategies. She is the author of three books: Teach Your Children Well: A Parent’s Guide to Encouraging Character and Integrity, Getting it Right with Teens, and the influential work, Discipline for Life: Getting it Right with Children.
Swift, who was born and raised in a small Ohio town and now lives in Texas with her husband, a retired educator, speaks at Stuart Country Day School on Tuesday, February 28, in the lecture series presented by CommonGround, a collaborative effort of the Parent Associations of 12 Princeton area independent schools.
Another tenet of Swift’s beliefs is that “how we discipline a child at age two, at age five, at age nine, plays a significant role in determining how he drives at sixteen, how he handles relationships, what kind of spouse and parent he becomes, in short, how he handles his life. The future does depend on what we do in the present.”
And, she explains, there is a fundamental difference between the idea of discipline and the idea of punishment. “Discipline is about teaching what is the right thing, allowing what is fair and in one’s best interest. It carries respect and authority. Punishment includes the really ugly disrespectful words we all say when we’re tired. It includes striking spanking, and removing unrelated privileges.”
She illustrates her point with this example: “If a three-year-old rides her tricycle out into the street, many parents will react by spanking the child or punishing her by taking her video away. The child cries, but doesn’t really make the connection that what she did was dangerous. What should happen is the parent should take her tricycle away and explain why. The message should be that if you handle a vehicle safely, you can continue operating it. Handle it badly, and it will be taken away.”
Swift says most of us have to rethink how we handle situations like this. “The concept is simple, but the practice is tough. The unfortunate thing is that many parents still don’t have the concept.”
She says these issues become critical, sometimes literally matter of life and death, when the child becomes a teenager. “There are two things teenagers want most. They want to be cool. And you can’t help them with that because as far as they’re concerned, you’re old. But they also want freedom, and that’s one you can help them with. But you don’t just give it to them. They have to learn that they earn it with trust and responsibility. And that means that if you have a 17-year- old who is less responsible than your 15-year-old, the younger one might have more freedom and they can’t cry not fair because it is fair.”
Swift says that teenager need to know that you’ll always be there for them and they can call you from anywhere at anytime. They need to know you’ll get them and won’t immediately jump all over them with questions. “Kids will get into bad situations and get into trouble. Hold your questions when they get in the car. If you can keep your mouth closed for ten seconds, chances are they will tell you everything. They’ve called you because they’re scared.”
The core of Swift’s philosophy can be summed up in something she calls the “Law of the Harvest,” the idea that you reap what you sow. “It’s not just about who they are right now. What are your children going to be like at 16? 25? You want to raise terrific children who will grow up to be terrific adults.”
Those two children have grown into two terrific adults. Kris, 27, has a masters degree in multimedia from the University of Texas in Austin. His younger brother, Tim, has a bachelors degree in economics from the same school.
But the road from terrific kid to terrific adult will not always be a primrose path. “We need our kids to be upset about some things. They need to know that when you act right you feel right, and when you act wrong you feel wrong,” she says. “If a parent is doing the job well, kids should be upset from time to time. They’re supposed to learn from their mistakes.”
— Euna Kwon Brossman
Madelyn Swift, Discipline for Life: Getting It Right with Children, Tuesday, February 28, 7:30 to 9 p.m., Stuart Country Day School, 1200 Stuart Road, Princeton. Free. 609-921-2330.
