Probably every day something happens that has to do with forgiveness. Whether we realize or not, we choose whether to get angry or just let go,” says Michelle B. Engoran, a psychologist in Plainsboro. “Even in our relationships, on a day to day level, forgiveness comes into play when, for example, your mate or child doesn’t meet your expectations, or doesn’t do something that you want or expect them to do. You come to that moment — where do I go with this?”
Engoran leads a workshop, “Forgivness: Healing and Letting Go,” in the offices of her private practice at 666 Plainsboro Road, on Saturday, April 24, from 11:00 a.m. to 3:30 p.m.
“Forgiveness is a universal issue,” she says. “It becomes such as sticking point for people, and they have a hard time getting past it. People can hold onto things for years, things from childhood, something their parents did or said, particular incidents. It’s almost like people are carrying a scorecard inside of them where they are checking off different things and letting them build.”
Resentment can fester, says Engoran, who lives in Raven’s Crest. “What happens is people get sort of stuck in their emotional growth. Every time a certain person or incident is mentioned, there’s a constant reoccurence of the same feelings. That’s a strong indication they haven’t moved past into forgiveness.”
The dangers of holding onto resentment and anger are serious — physically, mentally, emotionally, even professionally. “Holding onto resentment zaps your energy. If you could imagine carrying around luggage 24 hours a day, your arms get tired. Resentment can actually manifest in your body. There isn’t freedom of movement and thought. Literally you can’t move forward in your life and meet your goals.”
Engoran gives the example of a female client who was having difficulty following a divorce forgiving her ex-husband for the incidents and the reasons why they broke up. “There was a lot of anger,” says Endoran, “and a lack of forgiveness of herself. We looked first at the negative consequences of holding onto all of that stuff, which were physically and emotionally preventing her from moving forward in her life.
She realized that she was giving so much power and energy to the problem that she was not able to find any happiness in her own life. Letting the pain control you instead of using this pain as a hurdle to grow from is common.”
Engoran, who earned her bachelor’s in psychology from the College of New Jersey in 1988 and her masters in psychology and counseling from Goddard in Vermont in 2001, leads off the workshop with a discussion of why forgiveness is so difficult. “It’s not something you learn about in school,” she says. “Society almost condones holding onto resentment, it’s almost expected. People feel almost justified in holding onto resentment rather than letting it go. They get stuck — they’d rather be right than be at peace. I call it righteous victimhood.”
In the workshop, Engoran takes participants through a process that begins with these key concepts:
1. Forgiveness doesn’t happen overnight — but it doesn’t take years, either.
2. Don’t confuse forgiveness with condoning the unkindness or act; it doesn’t mean excusing the behavior or denying or minimizing your own hurt
3. Forgiveness is less about the other person than it is about you.
4. Forgiveness is about asking, “What’s important to me in my life?” It’s about getting to a place where the reasons to give up resentment are more valuable than holding onto them.
“We’re responsible for our own feelings,” says Engoran. “That’s Psychology 101.” “I focus attention on positive emotions like gratitude in other parts of your life and cultivating feelings of peace.”
Engoran says that gradually, “there’s a softening that occurs, not so much hardness or sting around the area. The last stage of forgiveness is moving from willingness to new insight to the softening to a cathartic release.”
The most important element of the forgiveness process is a gentle but firm direction. “This whole area of forgiveness needs to be approached with sensitivity. It’s a hot button. My approach is very warm, supportive, and compassionate.”
—Jamie Saxon
“Forgiveness: Healing and Letting Go,” Michelle B. Engoran, Saturday, April 24, 666 Plainsboro Road, 11 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. $55. Registration required. Call 609-750-7432. For more information on this program and other workshops on self esteem, communication, listening, and relationships, visit www.michelebengoran.com.
