Recently it occurred to me to type “Joe” into a Google image search and see just how many pages of images it took before a photo of me came up. Just how irrelevant was I? I decided to see what other Joes come up instead of me.
1. Joe
I admit I had no idea that someone going by just my first name was an R&B star. His album My Name is Joe was certified triple platinum by the RIAA. Good for you, Joe.
2. Joe Garofalo
Joe Garofalo is just a professor at the University of Virginia. But he comes up second photo in a Google image search for “Joe.” Whoever got him up to No. 2 in the Joe rankings at Google should sell that trick to every Internet marketing company in the world. Good for you, Joe.
3. Joe Manganiello
The “Favorite Pop-Culture Werewolf of All Time” according to readers of Entertainment Weekly (good for you, Joe) is the first beefcake on the list. It’s fair to say he is popular with the ladies. I’m not sure what they see in him though, he looks like he’s got a killer overbite.
A few more nobodies have pretty high placement in the results … including Joe Miller, “The Candidate for Liberty,” who would apparently be a U.S. senator from Alaska if only the “federal contractors and others who benefited from the status quo” hadn’t kept him out of office. Let’s skip ahead.
6. Joe Biden
7. Joe Torre
8. Fat Joe (rapper)
12. Joe Pesci
Joe Pesci is one of the most overrated actors of all time. He was amusing in Goodfellas, then gave almost the exact same performance in Casino a few years later for the same director. He’s entertaining, but a wee bit limited. What did you do, Joe, to come in 12th in the image rankings?
15. Joe Jonas (only 15th, Joe?)
20. Joe Mantegna (actor)
Why are so many Italian Joes coming up so high? Hmm.
24. Joe Strummer (musician)
33. Joe Theismann (Washington Redskins)
34. Joe Jackson (“suffers mild stroke”)
35. Joe Rogan (comedian)
I shouldn’t make fun of someone’s height. It’s nothing they can control. But I look at Joe Rogan, with his tough dude swagger and tattooed guns, and I just know that this is a man who has got to be compensating for his height. He claims to be 5-foot-9, but there is pretty compelling Internet evidence that suggests he is closer to 5-foot-5. No surprise. Still, he ranks way higher than me. Good for you, Joe.
40. Joe Paterno (poor old Joe)
44. Joe Namath
51. Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser
52. Joe Sakic (Colorado Avalanche)
54. Joe Maddon (Cubs manager)
I surprised some by saying I was rooting for the Mets this postseason, because I’m a Phillies fan. I’m supposed to hate the Mets, but I don’t. Most of my life they have been lovable losers. I had a second reason for backing the Mets in this year’s playoffs: I don’t like Joe Maddon.
I respect him. But I’ll never forgive him for his whining during the 2008 World Series. “It’s too cold!” being one of his complaints. Deal with it Joe — and I suspect you will, now that you manage in Chicago, not Tampa Bay.
56. Sheriff Joe Arpaio (ugh)
62. Joe Cocker (RIP)
66. G.I. Joe
75. Joe Flacco (Baltimore Ravens)
80. Joe Scarborough (TV personality)
83. Joe DiMaggio
Where have you gone, Joe DiMaggio?
97. Joe Montana
101. Joe Millionaire
102. Joe Piscopo (now a radio host)
I never really thought I’d turn up in the top 100. I searched quite a bit further down before giving up. When I do a Google search of my full name, a photo of me does come up — third. It’s from my dad’s ancestry.com page. First is a photo from a story I did on the Bordentown Current, and second (and fourth) is a photo of my sister.
The photo that comes up for LinkedIn isn’t even me. Colleagues and ex-colleagues come up. Robbinsville mayor Dave Fried. But not me.
I should look at the bright side: at least photos of me aren’t plastered all over the Internet! At least it will be hard for someone to steal my image and claim that I endorse Scientology or something like that.
Still, I’m truly nobody on the Internet. I’m not even Joe Millionaire, whom we’ve all long forgotten. I should talk to Joe Garofalo’s people.
Or Joe Miller’s. The Editor for Liberty, that could be me. If there was one thing worthwhile in this whole search — besides finding out what Joe Piscopo is up to — it was discovering Joe Miller of Alaska. Check him out, you’ll be glad you did.
