By Susan Brady Pinto
As a child and family counselor, I am often asked: to what do I attribute the high rate of anxiety and depression we see in today’s young people?
Recent studies by the National Institute for Mental Health indicate that 11 percent of adolescents will have a depressive disorder by the age of 18. Rates for childhood anxiety are even greater. The numbers are alarming, and based on memories of our own childhood most parents, myself included, are dumbfounded.
“How can this be?” we may wonder as we joyously recall the excitement of our own youth. I recall playing hide and seek in the cornfields after school, biking around the block for hours and building forts in the woods.
Our children are growing up in a very different world. I could speak to the various reasons that this is in fact the case, but any parent who is tuned in is already aware of the impact of technology, the decrease in meaningful (live) social connectedness, and the increased pressure that our children experience.
Something clearly needs to shift. The question I hope to hear more often, in regards to the struggles that we witness in our community’s youth, is not “Why is this happening?” but “How do we fix this?” How can we stop thinking that something must change, and instead become agents of that change?
Well, let me start with a simple suggestion. Let’s begin by valuing happiness. Let’s choose joy.
This idea may seem simplistic, but think about what happens when we pursue happiness, authentically, without guilt or fear. Imagine being driven by a motivation to do what we enjoy or what comes naturally to us, rather than what we think we should be doing.
Imagine ridding ourselves of the burdens of societal expectations, collective pressure and the endless quest toward some supposed ideal. Imagine that we celebrate the diversity that results when individuals are not all checking off boxes toward a prefab future.
Ask parents who have already raised children into young adulthood and they will likely have similar observations about the journey. Not only did they survive, but they have also been privileged to witness their children becoming successful young adults — however that success may be defined.
They may boast about watching their now grown children become independent free thinkers capable of directing their own lives, and doing so with surprising clarity of purpose. Many of them will even add that they never quite envisioned that this is how/what/where their children would end up, noting that they seem happy and capable of realizing their potential.
And here is the cool part: when you get to listen to those parents add the words “even though.” Even though their children didn’t follow all the rules, even though they dropped that honors course, even though they made a few mistakes, even though they didn’t choose the college we believed was best, even though they didn’t make that premier soccer team.
Maybe the words “even though” should give those of us still in the trenches some reassurance that we can relax a bit as parents, and permit us to start making sure that we are teaching the value of being joyous.
Some who are reading this may be wondering if I am encouraging our youth not to live up to their potential. Perhaps they are thinking that I am a proponent of reckless and irresponsible behavior.
I would suggest that such thoughts serve to affirm just how deeply engaged those people may be in a parenting approach based on worry and fear. Please consider the effects of a culture of competition and perfectionism. I would caution that this very ideology might be what ultimately undermines our ability to recognize the uniqueness of our children, and our ability to fully accept and support them.
No wonder this generation is anxious, feeling hopeless and depressed. They are not actively choosing a path that they desire. Instead, they fear failure and regret, strive to avoid parental disappointment, worry about not being good enough.
I am not advocating for anyone to “drop out.” I am suggesting that we all choose to live more deliberately, with a commitment to being present and mindful as we actively pursue joy.
I recently had a client in my office, a high school student who by most standards was a successful, well-rounded and well-liked young man. He had a problem. His parents knew he had a problem, and his coaches and teachers sensed it; he had become increasingly sullen and anxious.
His problem should have been simple, but it was not. His problem was complicated and crushing because it was powered by the very real expectations of those around him and his perceptions of what he had to do, rather than what he wanted to do. He was living an inauthentic life, in which he felt little opportunity for self determination.
So, what was the problem? Simply put, this young man did not want to continue playing the sport that would likely help him to get into a “great” college, perhaps even pay the way in part. He wanted to pursue other interests, even if it meant incurring student loan debt. But he felt utterly frozen. He simply could not act on this self-awareness and make his own decision. It was as if pursuing his dreams would be the wrong thing to do.
I observe many of our young people living inauthentic lives in order to maintain some standard of expectation. They chase that elusive spot on the varsity team, bend to academic pressures, choose not to date the “wrong” boy for fear of no longer being considered one of the popular girls.
But imagine what would happen if these adolescents’ simply chose joy. Not singularly perhaps, but if they believed that considering happiness was a valuable and critical piece of the decision making process … and that they wouldn’t be chastised because of it … wouldn’t they do it?
I propose that we as adults begin to more actively embrace a paradigm that inspires our children to do what they love. To not only permit change, but also celebrate the diversity that it generates.
Perhaps we begin to model behavior that is driven by a genuine pursuit of happiness, rather than by the pressure we may feel to “keep up” or “fit in.” Imagine if we decide that what people care about or expect of us is significantly less important than what we actually do care about.
Maybe then our children will be encouraged to allow those very principles to dictate their choices as well. I wonder if we would find some balance and if the competition culture that is so pervasive in today’s youth would fall away. Would the incidence of childhood depression and anxiety subside?
I wonder what would really happen if we just drop in to our lives more fully and choose joy? I, for one, intend to try.
Susan Brady Pinto is a Licensed Professional Counselor, and the parent of two middle school aged children. She both resides and maintains her private practice in Pennington Borough.
This story is part of a series brought to you by the Hopewell Valley Municipal Alliance. The Municipal Alliance’s mission is a community united in the development of caring, confident and responsible youth. With support and cooperation from municipalities, schools, community partners and volunteers, the organization funds and administers over 20 programs and activities in the Hopewell Valley. Heidi Kahme, coordinator.
