One ordinary December evening three years ago, Terri Gans, a former West Windsor resident, heard her husband Randy calling for her while checking his E-mail. “You’d better come in here — and you’d better sit down,” he said. She sat down when he began to read it.
The 10-page message from their 21-year-old daughter, Rebecca, had “News” in the subject line. It was Rebecca’s way of coming out to her parents. She was transgender and she was telling them she was ready to transition — to live as a man. The E-mail concluded with a request that her parents not contact her for a week, to give them time to digest the news before they spoke.
“I told my husband to print it out, and I would just read it a little at a time,” Gans says. “We were both extremely shocked. We had no clue whatsoever. And then we just were depressed for a good week.”
Gans said she was experiencing all of the complex emotions that parents can go through after learning that their child is transgender. Today, her daughter, Rebecca, has transitioned and is now her son, Lee, and Gans is one of his greatest advocates. But the process of taking in and accepting the news was not easy.
“I went online,” said Gans, now a resident of Somerset. “I ordered some literature. I got the books and I educated myself. And then I went to a PFLAG meeting.”
PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) is a national organization dedicated to providing support, education, and advocacy to families and friends of lesbian, gay, transgender, and bisexual people. The Princeton chapter holds support meetings that are open to the public.
It was there that Gans met Kerry Kay of West Windsor, also the mother of a transgender adult. Together, they teamed up to create a PFLAG sub-group, the Transgender Network of Princeton (T-Net), a support group specifically for parents and family members of transgenders.
“The reason for starting the group was simple,” says Gans, now the coordinator of T-Net. “The issues that parents of transgender children face, while similar to those of lesbian, gay, or bisexual children, have their own set of unique and complex layers.”
“There’s a lot of overlaps between the two groups (PFLAG and T-Net), but there just are obviously a lot more issues that are involved with transgender people,” she said.
Some of these extra layers include the changing of names and pronouns, the use of hormones or surgery to physically transition, as well as sharing the news with family and friends.
“I think some of us feel guilty,” said Kay, describing some of the emotions parents go through during the acceptance process. “And some of the questions you ask are: ‘What did I do wrong? Is it something that I did? Something in my family? Something in my genes? Is this real? Is this a phase?’ There are so many questions that come up.”
“Meeting with others who are asking these same questions about their own family members is one way to begin moving forward and adjusting to the changes,” said Kay, who did not share her child’s name. “The idea that you bring home this baby that you think is one gender and then some years later they discover or announce that they are of a different gender, as parents who have tried to do the right thing all along, it can be pretty shocking when this announcement is made.”
Kay’s daughter was 22 when she came out as transgender. While Kay fully accepts and supports her child, she was shocked by the initial announcement and said she did not know how she could have missed it for so many years.
“In the very beginning, I admit that I hoped that this was a phase, a passing thing,” she said. “And this upset her tremendously, and I do so regret that was my response now.”
Kay urges other parents of transgender people to recognize that it is not a choice their child has made, but rather “a discovery.” She added that this is a fascinating time because the issue of gender is finally being brought to the surface by younger generations. “It’s more about uncovering who you really are,” she said.
“All parents of transgender people are part of a revolution,” Kay added. “We are watching our kids exhibit tremendous courage challenging the paradigms in place about gender.”
It also did not take long for Gans and her husband to realize they wanted to support their child, but that it was going to take time and effort. Once Gans was prepared to move forward, a daunting next step was to begin sharing the news with some of her extended family and friends.
“My biggest question was, ‘How do I tell everybody else,’” she said. “And the answer to that question was you tell everybody else once you are comfortable and accept it in your own right. Our end goal was just to accept this. I just told the innermost people first, and then I’d go to the next ring, and the next ring, and the next ring and then pretty soon people knew. For the most part, I’ve never had a negative reaction at all from any friends or any family.”
It was through T-Net meetings, Gans said, where she learned that she and her husband were not prepared to move as fast with the transition as their child had hoped, which is a common problem families face.
“That made me feel better because I realized I couldn’t go as fast as my son wanted me to go,” she said. “Most trans kids, once they realize that they’re trans and they have figured it all out, they want to start their new life and they want to start it now. But for parents and family members, that’s not so easy.”
Though her family is now fully in the acceptance phase, Gans said there are aspects of the transition that may always be a journey.
Gans pointed out that living in a more progressive state like New Jersey helps. “Living where we live is certainly a blessing,” she said. “I don’t know what it would be like in other parts of the country, so we feel very fortunate in that way, but it’s been a struggle. There was lots of screaming and yelling and fighting about things and making mistakes. And even now that we are really settled, there’s still stuff that comes up.”
It has been a learning process for the Gans family, and though they have handled the change in different ways, the support and love for Lee is strong.
“You don’t have an awareness of these things unless it happens in your family or you have friends who have this,” she said. “I think the biggest lesson really is to be tolerant of other people no matter what they look like, and look for the person that they are.”
“It brings a whole new perspective to families, hopefully so that they realize that they too have their own prejudices and that they learn from that,” Gans said. “A lot of things that people think are just funny or jokes can be really hurtful. Most people think of gender as just being male or female and it’s not as simple as that.”
Those who do not have a transgender family member must learn, Gans said, that it is still important to recognize the stereotypes that are ingrained through our culture and our expectations, especially in their younger years, because not every child fits into them.
“In life, it’s simply, ‘Are you a boy or a are you a girl?’ And no one is asking you if you feel like you are in between or that you don’t fit the stereotype,” she said. “If you don’t fit within those rigid standards, you get teased. So, my wish is just that families can realize that there’s a huge range of people.”
In her heart, Kay hopes that awareness of transgender issues will continue to grow, especially for the sake of younger children who may already feel that they do not fit in with their gender but are not aware of what that might mean. The middle and high school years are critical for children in this situation.
“If there had been greater awareness and acceptance of trans people, perhaps my kid and lots of other kids would have been comfortable coming out sooner as transgender and their whole life paths would have been easier,” she said. “When there is a greater awareness and acceptance of transgender people, we will have a whole segment of our population that will be happier, healthier, and more productive and satisfied with their lives.”
To any parents who learn that their child is transgender, Kay recommends seeking support. “I would say you’re not alone,” she said. “Your child is still your child. Keep loving your child.”
Before T-Net, there were not many support options in central New Jersey that dealt specifically with trans issues, said Gans, who has to traveled to South Jersey and New York to meet with other parents of transgender children.
Gans said she wants others in the area to know that T-Net exists.
“I want them to know that there is a place that they can go to find support in a non-judgmental way, that they can get information or they can find out about resources to know that they’re not alone in their struggle,” Gans said.
PFLAG Princeton, Trinity Church, 33 Mercer Street, Princeton. Programs to promote the health and well-being of LGBT persons, their families, and friends. Mondays, April 14, May 12, July 14, August 11, at 7 p.m. 609-683-5155. www.pflagprinceton.org.
