I am not a fan of New Year’s Eve. First off, I don’t drink (except at weddings). Secondly, I can’t stay up much past midnight, so I would not be the ideal party guest.
I would rather put on a pair of flannel pajamas and watch the ball drop and go to bed. Exciting stuff, I know. But there you have it. The only thing I do like about New Year’s is the resolutions. They are so cleansing, so “fresh start-ish.” So here is a list of my resolutions for 2014.
1) I will not ignore the fact that our kitchen garbage can is full by jamming so much garbage into it that a used toothpick would make it topple to the floor. I will reluctantly take the full bag to the trash and put a new bag in.
2) I will not squeeze the toothpaste from the top, even though it’s faster and more convenient to do it that way. I will squeeze it from the bottom every time, even though the last time I did it that way, the bottom of the tube was not properly sealed and I ended up with a light green glob on my black sweater. Smelled minty-fresh all day, too.
3) I will make sure that there is enough shampoo in the bottle for the next person, rather than filling it halfway with water and shaking it, thus making it appear full.
4) On the same lines, I will replace the bar of soap in the shower as soon as the current soap has the same thickness as Saran Wrap.
5) I will not sit at our home computer playing games on Facebook for hours at a time. I will make sure I stand for at least 45 minutes of that time.
6) I will not hurriedly rip the tags from a new shirt, hang it in the closet, and when I wear it and my husband asks if it’s new, reply indignantly, “I’ve had this for YEARS.”
7) I will not leave just enough milk to coat the bottom of the gallon jug so that the next person who grabs it out of the fridge has to walk it to our recycle bin outside.
8) I will not use bath oil in the tub, so that the next person wanting to use the tub slips on the oily residue and grabs onto the shower curtain to break their fall.
9) I will not borrow my husband’s car and leave the gas tank empty. I will at least put a half-gallon of gas in it before I turn it back over to him.
10) I will not eat salads with Italian dressing at work, thus making the office smell like a delicatessen for days.
11) I will always replace the empty toilet roll so that no one has to crab-walk to the closet to get a new roll.
12) I will not threaten to kick my husband till he’s dead anymore. Unless he’s asking for it.
13) I will not pretend I am sleeping when the dog wants to go outside at 3 a.m. and is pacing the floor.
14) I will not pretend I didn’t see the empty trash can on the curb when I get home from work in order to get out of dragging it back to the side of the house.
15) I will not pretend I am on my cell phone to avoid conversation with anyone.
16) I will stop complaining about the weather, because, let’s face it, I AM a grown-up and can pack up and move to a Caribbean island at any time if it’s THAT bad.
17) I will cook dinner cheerfully instead of banging pots and pans and slamming dishes and muttering so that everyone in the house can hear me.
18) I will actually dust my furniture instead of just running my hand over the surfaces.
19) I will be kinder, nicer, and sweeter to everyone. Well, maybe not EVERYONE.
20) I will stop making New Year’s resolutions.
I hope that everyone has a Happy New Year full of laughter and love.
