I have been in attendance at a lot of picture-taking events lately. Showers, luncheons, soccer hall of fame dinners, retirement parties, graduations… it feels like everyone has a camera aimed at me all the time.
I’m beginning to feel like Angelina Jolie with the press dogging my every movement. When I was younger, I didn’t mind. But since I am older now, I could do without it. You see, pictures remind me of what I really look like, and quite frankly I’d rather keep deceiving myself that I am still 30 with a firm jaw and smooth skin.
After a recent baby shower, I got to see the pictures that were taken of me and other guests. I was appalled. I looked like a basset hound who went a few rounds with Muhammad Ali in his prime. Bags under my eyes, dark circles, sagging jaw.
Plus, I always make a point to politely (most of the time) demand that the photographer only take my picture from the shoulders up. No full body shots. After getting a gander at these recent pictures, I’ll have to demand that the photographers take a picture of the top of my head only. Or my feet. My feet don’t look too bad.
When I am posing for pictures, I try to present a nice, natural smile. While the picture is being taken, I feel relatively confident that I don’t look like a bulldog. Then I see the picture. My eyes are lost in puffy folds of old flesh, the dark circles are almost down to my chin, my hair is a totally different color than I remember, and my grin resembles a maniacal serial killer’s mugshot. Complete with disarming dimples.
So I decided to listen to the non-stop stream of commercials promoting skin cream that erases the signs of aging. I went to a drugstore and browsed through their selection of skin care products. I was there for over an hour. I thought seriously about ordering dinner to be delivered to me in the skin care aisle, I was there that long.
There are creams that promise to erase fine lines and pores, creams that firm your skin, creams that will stimulate cell renewal and collagen production, creams that renew your skin’s elasticity, and creams that erase yellowing and brown spots.
There are also products that abrade the top layer of your skin, thus revealing a more youthful you. I don’t know about you, but “abrade” is not a word I want to associate with my face.
Some of these products have crushed seashells in them. Now I love the beach as much as the next woman, but I cannot see spending upwards of 50 bucks to apply crushed seashells to my face. I do that involuntarily at least once every summer when a wave knocks me off my feet and drags me to the shoreline. True story.
I finally narrowed it down to creams that cost less than our old mortgage payment. After careful consideration of my facial flaws, I chose one that promises to keep me “looking fresh and luminous.” I liked that word “luminous.” Sold. Soon my skin would be bright, radiant and luminous.
I splurged and also bought a new foundation makeup that also promised to brighten up my dull and lifeless complexion. At the rate I’m going, with my new skin care regimen, I will be so luminous and radiant that you all will need sunglasses to view my youthful face.
I applied my cream and my foundation every morning and night for a week. At the end of that time, I was glowing alright. It seems that I have an allergy to either or both of these products. My face looked like I had been tied to a stake on the equator for 48 hours without sunscreen.
So I am reverting back to my Jergens lotion, $5.99 a bottle. I may not be luminous, but at least my face doesn’t look like I have a case of the measles.
I have come to the realization that it really doesn’t matter if you have wrinkles, or dark circles, or a saggy neck. What really matters is inner beauty. That, and Photoshop.
Ilene Black has been a resident of Ewing for most of her life and lives across the street from her childhood home. She and her husband, George, have two sons, Georgie, 32, and Donnie, 28. A licensed soccer coach, Black was head of the boys’ travel soccer program in Ewing for many years and ran the township’s annual Labor Day Soccer Tournament for several years. She is the creator and moderator of a Facebook group called, “You Know You’re a Ewingite When…,” which has more than 1,000 members.
