I had the joy and honor of meeting a brand new human being. Her name is Hailey Lucille; she is the almost-two-month-old daughter of our niece, Jennifer, and her husband, Matthew, which makes Bill her great uncle and me her great aunt.
Of course, we launched the usual platitudes about how we already were a great uncle and great aunt, so wouldn’t that make us great great uncle and aunt, or oh ho ho, great-squared uncle and aunt?
But my first thoughts, upon holding Hailey and looking into her beautiful blue eyes, ran first to genetics. It was the best thing in middle school science, that chapter on Mendel and his peas, so fascinating that my very first career goal was to become a geneticist.
Your children will all have blue eyes, I told Jen and Matt (as if they wouldn’t know that!) I then reminded my own children that though they all have brown eyes, they are carriers of the recessive blue gene from their dad, and so they could have blue-eyed children, even if they themselves married spouses with brown eyes.
To their credit, my children did not roll their brown eyes at me, even though they have heard that from me before. They also were fascinated by this small, wiggling creature in my arms. Could they once have been so miniature as well?
My thoughts next turned to the idea that all people start out this way, their minds so open and free, like a chalkboard waiting to be filled with life and learning. And then, I wondered, not for the first time in my life, how it is that people like Saddam Hussein, Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, perpetrators of evil and great suffering, how could it be possible that they once upon a time were also beautiful, helpless babies nestled lovingly in their mothers’ arms? How is it that their perception of humanity became so twisted somehow in their lives, that they could evolve from sweet innocence to the most profane monsters in history? How?
I also could not help but offer words of advice to the young parents. You don’t have to listen to me, I said, but I just have to tell you what I would do differently if I had to do it all over again.
Don’t misunderstand. I adore our children. They have grown from tiny heartbeats underneath my own into warm, smart, compassionate young adults, and Bill and I could not be any more proud than we are. There are no major do-overs I would wish for in my own experience of parenting. But of course, there are always, inevitably, the “what I wish I knew then” kind of moments, so here’s what I told Jen and Matt I would do if I had to hit the rewind.
The first thing is to talk to them constantly, because in truth, they are not really babies, they are actual small adults cloaked inside a baby’s body, and even if they do not seem capable of understanding the big, wide world around them, they are attuned to thoughts, perceptions, concepts, and the absorption of knowledge.
So don’t goo goo ga ga them, but also don’t just tell them I’m going to give you some nice milk right now, don’t you want to go down for a nap, how about we take a walk outside? Really engage in important discourse about world events, ask them their opinions about the situation in the Middle East, and what they think about the recent political developments as we approach another election year. I am being somewhat facetious, but not really, because I do believe that babies can absorb large concepts and stash them away in their mental filing cabinets until later in life.
In addition to talking up a non-stop stream and reading poetry and great literature, I would enroll my children in a bilingual pre-school. I think that as the world continues to shrink, knowledge of foreign languages and the ability to communicate outside of English will be invaluable. I had a friend in San Francisco who put her kids into the Lycee Francais as toddlers. At the time, I thought it was a bit much, but now, I am amazed at her foresight.
I have seen Katie and Will struggle with the absorption of French because they started taking it in middle school. Molly did too, but the big difference there is that when she was just over a year old, we had an au pair from France who lived with us for a year. I know that Virginie spoke to her in French all the time, and I am convinced that Molly’s brain was taking it all in behind those big wide eyes. So that when she actually started taking the language, her advantage was that it was already planted in her brain, like a dormant seed, ready to spring to life. That’s why she’s been able to double major in political science and French, and speak the language almost like a native.
I played a lot of music for my children, both before and after they were out in the world, but I counseled Jen to play even more, especially Bach, because the discipline and rhythm of his work will train Hailey’s brain to be precise and good at math and maybe even a musician too.
Jen and Matt smiled and thanked me for my unasked for advice because they are good sports, and also because they are good parents and know just how wise their elders can be, simply because they have walked this road before.
The most important piece of advice for anyone at any stage of life comes from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, and Polonius’ advice to his son, Laertes, “to thine own self be true.” It’s called being authentic and in today’s world, teaching your child to do that is the greatest lesson you can give them.
