So marijuana is now legal in New Jersey along with eighteen other states. Well I, for one, am opposed.
Really, the whole point of marijuana is to consume it furtively, to sneak around, to be worried about the police catching you and putting you in jail. If you can just consume it, even in public, what’s the point?
Furthermore, how can marijuana-intensified paranoia be justified if you don’t have to worry about being busted? From now on, it’s just neurotic behavior.
Not only is marijuana now legal, but it’s also been transformed into “cannabis,” so dignified, so respectable, so Latin. What’s wrong with Mary Jane, grass, weed, smoke, ganja, reefer or dope? (Feel free to add your own favorite label.)
Then there are the much touted medical attributes of marijuana consumption. Yeah, that’s right, it cures everything. Nah, It’s about getting high, about making terrible television worth watching.
It’s about tolerating ghastly car insurance jingles or cringe-inducing laxative ads while slouching on the couch in front of the box. It’s about consuming a half gallon of chunky-monkey ice cream or a family-size package of Oreos or a thousand M&Ms (in under three minutes) without worrying about weight gain or cholesterol or just exploding.
It’s about making the tedium of watching baseball suddenly a dynamic activity. Oh, look how green that field is!
“Recreational” cannabis? What’s that? Recreational like beach volleyball, ping pong or league bowling? Is there such a thing as recreational beer drinking? Recreational wine tasting? Recreational scotch sloshing?
Of course, what is more recreational than standing in line at the Route One “cannabis dispensary”? (What’s wrong with “dope dealer”?) Can you imagine standing in line at a liquor store, or should we call it an alcohol dispensary? Is there a need for a medical alcohol dispensary?
With legalization, the whole challenge of where to score is gone. The whole fraught search to find a provider is gone. All that drama, all that anxiety about the stash running low, is gone. It’s the tragic passing of an era.
Now, think about the damage that legalization does to the traditional stereotypes of incredibly cool jazz musicians wearing sunglasses at night in dimly lit jazz joints saying things like, “Hey man,” or seedy looking longhairs with bloodshot eyes saying things like, “Hey, man,” followed by endless profound monologues about shoes or superheroes or the intricacy of the human body, “like, man, did you ever really get into your hand?”
Such meaningful ruminations might be all gone now that legalization is here.
In its place will be, or are, very ordinary consumers, in very ordinary dress, well coiffed, getting high at family picnics. Envision the scene of very mellow suburbanites grilling hamburgers and hot dogs at poolside surrounded by shrieking children and yapping dogs. These are the new stoners. It’s the total destruction of everything that marijuana stands for: indolence, amotivational syndrome, non-productive existence. It’s the end of a way of life, of a whole lifestyle. What is this world coming to!
Nowadays, the scent of marijuana wafts through the air from cars passing on the road or from people passing on the sidewalk. An unsuspecting walker can get high without a buy.
Think of what is lost. Back in 1968, hundreds of police raided Stony Brook University and busted 35 students for marijuana possession. Kids were jailed, lives ruined.
Think of teens in inner cities, randomly stopped and arrested for carrying a joint. Kids were jailed, lives ruined. All gone, never to happen again. A whole world is disappearing.
In the richest of ironies, Republicans are among those profiting handsomely in the marijuana business. Remember John Boehner, former Republican speaker of the House? He became a spokesman for the National Institute for Cannabis Investors! A whole slew of current and former politicians from both parties have jumped on the marijuana money wagon. How long before evangelicals adopt dope as a sacrament? Is nothing sacred!
Obviously, to prevent the eradication of decades of the hallowed marijuana-consuming culture, it is essential that legalization be reversed before it’s too late. Of course, such a proposal is in direct contradiction of the Constitutional right to get high, specifically the 21st amendment ending Prohibition.
Be advised that all of the above scholarly discourse is based on highly objective, professional observation.
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