A few months ago, my family made a trip to Disney World, and had a pleasant, memorable visit despite getting sick with what turned out to be Covid-19. Disney has attracted criticism for raising ticket prices, and for costly upgrade options on its Disney Genie reservation system. It’s still The Most Magical Place on Earth, but at least some of that magic is of the street hustler variety, making your money disappear before you realize what’s happening.
Disney’s is such a carefully presented, self-contained world that I couldn’t help imagining what it would be like without an image-conscious, slightly authoritarian corporate hand guiding everything. What if there were a park that had rides and attractions like Disney’s, but in other ways was nearly its opposite?
If a genie (Disney or otherwise) appeared and offered me wishes, I might ask to experience such a theme park, or rather, amusement park— since the only real “theme” would be the alteration or elimination of established protocols and safety standards. This anti-Disney World, a slightly more antagonistic version of its Orlando inspiration, would entertain in the tense, confrontational manner of Tommy DeVito, Joe Pesci’s quick-tempered character in the movie Goodfellas, who demanded to know: “Do I amuse you?”
While Tommy DeVito might be the model for regular employees, every amusement park worth its salt needs a larger-than-life mascot—in this case, a chaotic, off-kilter oldster named Auntie Diz Knee.
Auntie Diz Knee World would offer its own smartphone planning app, allowing you to reserve slots for ride tickets and restaurants. But don’t count on anyone actually honoring those reservations; when it comes to food and entertainment, Auntie Diz Knee’s motto is “You get what you get and you might get upset.” Using Auntie Diz Knee’s patented “Fun Scrambler App™,” you’ll be randomly assigned to rides and eateries at any time and place except the one you wanted.
People love to gamble, so chance is a key component of the fun at Auntie Diz Knee World. You won’t really “win,” but you can definitely lose, and that’s exciting, right? Inspired by Disney’s Avatar: Flight of Passage flight simulator, in which up to 16 participants are first “DNA scanned” to find genetic matches for their avatars, Auntie Diz Knee’s equivalent would see two would-be riders disqualified for some arbitrary, pseudoscientific reason—thereby making the other 14 thrilled that they’ve dodged a bullet, even before their ride’s begun.
Disney’s “link chair” is a seat you straddle like a bike or motorcycle, with back and leg restraints to prevent falls—bor-ing! In stark contrast, Auntie Diz Knee’s guests will ride old, repurposed mechanical bulls salvaged from shuttered Southwest bars, experiencing a rollicking ride with realistic turbulence effects, and a high probability of being thrown and injured. Don’t worry, though—at Auntie Diz Knee World, first aid is always free… as long as you’ve purchased a premium “BodySaver” admission ticket, that is.
Disney’s Guardians of the Galaxy: Cosmic Rewind indoor roller coaster has gotten attention for its pulsing, energetic soundtracks, which vary with every ride. Auntie Diz Knee World tweaks the formula a bit: you’ll hear “It’s a Small World,” Bette Midler’s “From A Distance,” or just staticky white noise, and when it’s all over, rather than wistfully wishing you could ride again, you’ll depart with a sense of relief, and the optimistic impression that you’ve already been through the worst and the day can only get better.
That impression would be wrong, of course.
Most theme parks are vigilant about handling allergies, but Auntie Diz Knee has a looser, more Darwinian approach. Sign a simple six page waiver and enter the entertaining, educational Tunnel of Allergens! 4-D Experience™. Enlarged animatronic dust mites, pollen grains, and more will explain how and why your body reacts to them, while the varied, well-stocked, and widely dispersed array of actual allergens populating the tunnel causes you to cough, sneeze, and even collapse in authentic anaphylactic shock! EpiPens® are conveniently available in-park for just twice the average pharmacy price. Afterwards, dine at The Sensitivity Saloon™, where milk, eggs, shellfish, peanuts and tree nuts are somehow all included in every dish—even the beverages!
Auntie Diz Knee World’s version of Epcot’s World Showcase bypasses the overly familiar themery of France, Germany, and Italy, in favor of pavilions devoted to less-visited countries of the globe, carefully selected by former U.S. President Donald Trump. Half cultural exchange, half house of horrors, you’ll wander under the watchful eye of secret police or religious hardliners until a misstep lands you a realistic excursion in a prison cell. Because it’s an amusement park, no physical torture is allowed, but Auntie Diz Knee’s Forced Detention Experience™ is so convincing, you’ll be confessing to crimes you didn’t commit in no time at all. Also enjoy the numerous “voting” stations, where you’ll get to see your ballot ceremonially burned shortly after you fill it out.
There’s plenty more. Inspired by a throwaway joke on Universal’s The Simpsons Ride riffing on Disney’s Hall of Presidents, Auntie Diz Knee World has actually produced a Hall of Secretaries of the Interior, along with Halls honoring Secretaries of Labor and Commerce, respectively. Like space-themed immersive environments? Unlike Disney’s Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge, Auntie Diz Knee goes old school and low budget with Space: 1999 Land (hey, licensing is expensive!). When you get tired, enjoy Auntie Diz Knee World’s signature experience: Schadenfreude. You’ll sit in a climate-controlled, windowed area and simply watch people stand on long attraction lines, as they watch you watching them. To get the most out of your encounter, visit the park during the hottest months of the year; other patrons’ discomfort is your pleasure.
Auntie Diz Knee World isn’t for the faint of heart, but there’s always an out, albeit a somewhat embarrassing one. Don’t ask Auntie Diz Knee for help, though; instead, just find a staffer… and cry “Uncle!”
Illustration by Lucia Dabbene.,
