By Deborah Dumont
In a mere four weeks, I will watch my firstborn child turn 12. “One more year,” I will say to comfort myself, “until ‘it’ starts.”
Like other parents, I have watched my son in disbelief, wondering how this little person grew into this being who is only 2 inches shorter than me and with whom I can share shoes (not that either of us would choose to). How has so much changed in his life and so little has changed in mine?
Twelve years ago, I was a wife, daughter, friend, psychotherapist and expectant mother. Relatively speaking, I continue in those roles today—thankfully with some growth and change.
However, in comparison, this same 12-year time period has resulted in tremendous change in my son’s life. He went from being a helpless, dependent infant to a competent and independent young man. When I look in the mirror (the magnified side that is now required at age 40), the lines on my face serve as proof that this time has indeed passed. Yet I back away from the mirror, take a deep breath and remind myself: “it” isn’t here yet.
I am not sure why the idea of having an adolescent of my own scares me. It certainly isn’t based on experience. My parents could attest that I was a “good” teenager and despite them not liking my boyfriend, I got into little trouble and we argued only occasionally. They were happy to have housemate who could participate in adult conversation and share ideas.
Yes, I was moody and unpredictable at times, and I too made it clear in my obnoxious ways that I was separate and different. Regardless of my accusations at the time, they weren’t the arch-enemies who were trying to rule my world. And truth be told, I liked my parents.
I am a psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of eating disorders, which means the majority of my clients are adolescents. I love working with people who are beginning to question who they are, what they might be interested in, what they are passionate about, what their beliefs are, what they feel confused and conflicted by and how they envision the future. This is an exciting time—a time to focus on the self, a more mature, ever evolving self.
My professional experience has shown me that teens are just bigger kids who crave guidance and attention while they strive for independence. I often ask parents of adolescents to remember what it was like to have a toddler. We all watched our newly walking baby proudly moving away from from us with a sense of new found independence. Then our toddler looked back to see we were watching and got angry when we got too close or tried to interfere.
What we may have missed was our toddler checking repeatedly to make sure we were still there, available if they fell. Our toddler tested boundaries by straying a little too far, wondering and checking to see if the limit would be set. Adolescents are not unlike the toddlers they once were in that they want to move away knowing we are watching, knowing that if they fall we will be there to catch them and offer another path. They want to be valued, cared for and accepted, not only by their peers, but by also by those other significant people in their lives: us. Their parents.
Ahh, it feels good to just say it: teens desire and need a satisfying relationship with their parents. They want to be understood by their parents and they really don’t enjoy fighting. But things like hormones, the constant stimulation of technology, peer pressure, feeling unsure of themselves, competition to perform academically, musically, athletically can lead to irritability, impulsiveness, and angry outbursts.
So how do we as parents remain patient yet firm? Set limits but not be controlling? Be compassionate listeners but still share our worldly thoughts and experiences?
Struggling to find these balances, adjusting to the needs of our children (sometimes on a day to day basis) and frankly just messing up as parents can make us irritable and angry and make us want to slam the door.
I recently told a family I was treating that I felt privileged to watch their relationships evolve. I owed them for allowing me to coach them. Over a period of about a year, I was called in times of crisis, when it seemed like conflict, dysfunction and emotional reactivity had taken over.
With communication, dedication and yes, therapy, they found a child-parent connection that was wholesome and satisfying. They learned to tolerate imperfection in one another, accept their differences and to not focus on changing the other.
It is because of the many professional experiences such as this one that I confront my own anxiety and relax a bit. I am reminded again that parents and teens can and do have satisfying, loving relationships. My work has taught me far more about family relationships than my undergraduate and graduate years could ever do.
So maybe the key is accepting what comes with this time period. As parents, we are facing challenges and are transforming in our 40’s, 50’s, and beyond. A deepened sense of our own mortality, career pressures, aging parents all take a toll on our emotional energy level and health.
Parents of teens often describe feeling anxious that they only have a few years left to instill values they deem important and to resolve the unresolved before their offspring leave the nest. So as our kids are going through changes and pressures, we as parents are challenged with our own issues. The awareness and willingness to work on ourselves is critical to how we relate to our teens and what we model for them in the end.
So, instead of fighting the “it,” I accept that almost 12 years have passed. I can choose to fear “it” or buckle up and embrace the unknown ride. The memories I have with my son will endure as we try new things together now as adolescent and parent.
Trying to hold on to this last year before he turns 13 isn’t going to stop “it” from coming. And in the meantime, I may miss the beauty of “it” all. So I will choose to buckle up, take a deep breath, work on myself, be aware of who I want to be and how I want to present myself. I will continue to learn, listen to my almost teen, do my best at finding the balance and never stop working on this ever important relationship, and exhale.
Like so many things in life, the adolescent-parent relationship is like a dance in which no one knows the exact steps because neither has danced it before, much less with each other. But once the moves find the tempo it can be danced with a sense of purpose, meaning, and completeness.
Deborah Dumont is a psychotherapist with Comprehensive Mental Health Services in Pennington.
This story is part of a series brought to you by the Hopewell Valley Municipal Alliance. The Municipal Alliance’s mission is a community united in the development of caring, confident and responsible youth. With support and cooperation from municipalities, schools, community partners and volunteers, the organization funds and administers over 20 programs and activities in the Hopewell Valley. Heidi Kahme, coordinator.
