There are distinct issues that arise with gaining weight, and I’m not just talking about those that are health-related, such as diabetes, hypertension, and heart disease. The most immediate problem is that stuff just doesn’t fit any more, and in this case, I’m not just talking about clothes, though that would be cause for distress on its own merits.
I’m talking about jewelry, specifically, my wedding and engagement rings, which at this very moment, are digging uncomfortably into my left ring finger, which has expanded from what used to be a svelte size 6 to something alarming, not quite a fat sausage, but pretty much on its way.
What can I say; it was a brutal winter by any measure, what with the oppressive weather and stress, and as is my annual tradition, I put on a chunk of seasonal weight in response. Normally that would be okay, but I think my knuckles have expanded too — perhaps the early onset of arthritis (boy, am I a well of good cheer) — so not only are my rings cutting into my finger, I cannot slide them past my knotty knuckle made even larger by the flesh around it.
Yes, I’ve tried Windex (a tactic I discovered online, apparently highly successful for many in my predicament); I’ve tried dish soap, I’ve tried soaking my hand in ice water to shrink my fingers, I’ve tried wiggling and cajoling and pulling and pushing. No luck. The Internet is full of suggestions, and even videos. It seems that I am not the only person with this problem. At least my finger is not “purple and throbbing” as I have seen described. That sounds like a visit to the emergency room.
However, it has gotten to the point where I sometimes wake up in the morning with my hand tingling, and so I raise my hand over my head and flex my hand to encourage the blood to flow. I read a story about Miles O’Brien, a CNN contributor, who did not treat what appeared to be a minor injury to his arm and ended up having to have it amputated. My imagination starts running wild with the thought that I might lose my arm too, and what a headline that would make: “Suburban Mom Loses Arm Because of Loss of Circulation Due to Rings Stuck on Fat Finger.” Not exactly the 15 minutes of fame I was looking for.
At this point I have three clear options. The first, which I present facetiously because it’s obviously not going to happen, is to get my finger cut off. The second is to go to a jeweler and pay to have my rings cut off. That would be the quickest but probably most expensive option, and I certainly don’t want to shell out good money for such a stupid reason. Moreover, my engagement ring is engraved with our initials and our date, so I cringe at the thought that the precious words might somehow be marred by the jeweler’s saw. (There’s also the possibility that my finger might be marred by the jeweler’s saw.)
So option three is the only one that I am willing to embrace. I need to lose some weight pretty quickly so my finger can shrink back to normal size. Since I don’t believe in diets because they make me crazy, and depriving myself of food only makes me think about it all the time, the only realistic strategy for me is to exercise. Consequently, every night, for the last week and a half, I’ve been jumping on the elliptical.
It’s been painful. While I’m generally in shape, my cardiovascular stamina is nonexistent. I started at Level 1, literally two minutes at a time, followed by a 10 to 15 second break for water and to catch my breath. Huff, puff, repeat. I’ve worked my way up to five-minute intervals, still at Level 1, but all the way up to a half hour session. Next week I will push to Level 2 and increase the length of my workout. It’s all about consistency and dedication. Maybe this time, I will stick to this exercise regimen. It may be forced at this moment, but the overall health benefits cannot be denied.
The good news is that even within two weeks, I have lost about four pounds and am fitting back into clothes that I haven’t been able to wear all winter. It’s amazing how a little bit of exercise can go such a long way.
The bad news is that my rings are still stuck. Sometimes it looks and feels like some of the puffiness is going away, but when I tug, the swelling comes back, though only very slightly.
I really don’t know how this story is going to end. I don’t know if my strategy will work, partly because I can’t remember the last time I tried to take my rings off, so I cannot pinpoint when they became stuck. I know there are bigger problems in the world, but indulge me when I admit that all this exercise might be for naught, I may have to get my rings cut off after all, and that would be a real shame.
In the meantime, I have a real incentive to continue my exercise regimen, and the silver lining is that I am reaping the reward of better health and an expanded wardrobe. All I can say is — stay tuned.
