By Ilene Black
In the aftermath of Hilary Clinton’s announcement that she has thrown her hat into the ring for 2016, I began to think about what it would mean for us to have a female President.
Then, my ever-creative and active imagination began to insert MY face on the campaign posters, and my thoughts turned to, “What if I was President?”
First thing’s first: The workweek would consist of 3 days —Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. The weekends would be four days long.
Let’s face it. If you can’t get something done in three days, you need a lot more than a four day weekend to regroup. I would also like to know all about the genius whose idea it was to make the workweek 5 days. Get on that research, if you please, White House Chief of Staff. That dude and I need to have a chat right quick.
I would eliminate the need for a lot of gum-flapping by taping a note to the door of the House of Representatives and the Senate Chambers. The note would read: SAFETY, EDUCATION, HOUSING, HEALTH, FOOD.
Those are the five items that Congress needs to deal with, or else I would go into both chambers and regale them all with stories of my menopausal problems, in detail and accompanied by a slide presentation. With sound. I may even throw in a comprehensive lecture on my experiences with childbirth.
The budget. Ah, the budget. If I can manage the money of the Black household without bouncing checks like LeBron bounces a basketball, then a little thing like the United States of America’s budget is no sweat.
Okay, so how much do we have? A buck ninety-nine? How much can we count on in a year? Three trillion? What’s our debt? Eighteen trillion? How much have we lent out to other countries? Over 56 billion? What do we need to run the country for a year? Three trillion?
Alright. Let’s hold a giant bake sale right out there in front of the Capitol building, and start earning some serious dough (no pun intended). Who wouldn’t want a moist pound cake baked by John Boehner? Or a nice pineapple upside-down cake from the kitchen of Nancy Pelosi?
This could be a weekly thing until we build up that bank account. We could have a weekly theme. Cupcake Day. Chocolate Chip Cookie Day. You get my drift.
On that same note, Congress would not receive a salary. They would work on commission. If their approval rating was high and they actually passed a useful law, then they’d get a check. But if their approval rating was low and all they were doing was arguing and belittling the people across the aisle, then no paycheck for them.
No more fancy State dinners. Potluck dinners and that’s it. Everyone brings something. A sign-up sheet would be emailed to all attendees and they would sign up for appetizers, salads, main course, side dishes and dessert. Coffee, tea and water would be provided. And there’d be a 50-50 at every dinner, proceeds to benefit hunger relief in our country.
We don’t need a $250 million worth of fresh flowers in the White House every year. I make Mason jar arrangements that cost $12. That’s all we need and only if there’s a big State Potluck Dinner.
Here are my Cabinet positions:
Secretary of State–Matthew McConaughey. Very soothing voice.
Secretary of the Treasury-My husband George. Most frugal (I didn’t say cheap) person on the planet.
Secretary of Defense–Clint Eastwood.
Attorney General–my sister Kim. She’s an attorney and she doesn’t take any crap from anyone.
Secretary of Commerce–my friend Kim. She loves to shop.
Secretary of the Interior–my friend Cathie. She can decorate like no other. EXQUISITE taste.
Secretary of Agriculture–my friend Pam. She has such a green thumb; the woman can grow anything.
Secretary of Homeland Security–Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man.
That’s as far as I got. I have many more plans and ideas that I will develop before my campaign begins. Rest assured that the United States of America would be in good hands with me at the helm. Just ask my husband.
