By Deborah Dumont
Springtime reminds me of bike rides, hikes and flying kites. My mood picks up as the forsythias turn yellow and cherry blossoms bloom. With this newness comes also a realization that time is moving and finding balance is so very important.
Time has become a precious resource for many of us, and our kids are no exception. I have three children, which means springtime is filled with lacrosse games, spring hoops, soccer, recitals and more. There isn’t time or energy for bike rides, playing frisbee and lounging outside amongst the tulips and daffodils. All of a sudden I am reminded of spring mania.
I admit that I love sitting on the field watching my children play the sports they enjoy. Many families around us also spend a great deal of their time running children from one activity to another, telling them, “Hurry, don’t forget the equipment, the coach is waiting!”
That is what good parents do for their children: we drop them off to get better at the things they say they want to do. We justify the level of activity by telling each other “My kid loves it, or else I wouldn’t do it.”
Sometimes I find myself on autopilot and saying to myself, “I will miss this busy time one day.” Or will I?
Springtime for older adolescents means extracurricular activities plus SATs, ACTS AP exams, and college visits. For a psychotherapist like me, spring means clients with stomach issues because they are (all of a sudden) lactose and gluten intolerant, have acid reflux and IBS. They have headaches, panic attacks, and mood changes.
Parents and teens sometimes present perplexed because they think things are going well and therefore questioning why they are in my office. Often, pressure comes from the unspoken messages of growing up in middle or upper class successful families or in communities where the push is to do as much as one can. Teens tell me they are missing out because they don’t have time for the simple things like snowball fights, climbing trees, and studying for their driving tests.
I can’t help but think about how similar this is to a preschooler learning to read before he or she has mastered basic social emotional developmental tasks through play.
As adults we have tremendous influence when it comes to how our children feel about their teenage years. We have an opportunity to not just model but rather insist on living a balanced life and to stay grounded.
At every social gathering, I am reminded how important our children are to us. Entire evenings are filled with discussions about them. The discussions are not about who they are, but rather what summer programs are lined up, what elite sports club they have joined, where they are going for the next tournament or performance, and what college might accept them based on all the above.
In a New York Times article, “Our Push for Passion, and why it harms our Kids,” Lisa Heffernan wrote about “our parental obsession with passion.” Identifying a passion is supported by the college process, confirming our push to have kids find their “thing” and to excel at it regardless of cost.
Colleges favor applicants who are not only academically strong and well rounded, but also those who have a passion. It is understood that educators, coaches and parents don’t intentionally put young people’s physical and psychological health at risk for the benefit of excelling. In an article called, “The Race to Nowhere in Youth Sports,” by John O’Sullivan, the author says it well: “The social pressure is like having a conversation with a pathological liar; he is so good at lying that even when you know the truth, you start to doubt it.”
I was amazed recently when I was advised that my son should choose high school honors courses in subjects he is passionate about. I was fairly sure my eight grader had not found his academic passion nor what he wanted to do in the future.
After I spoke with him in more depth, I found I was thrilled that he didn’t have a clue! Isn’t this why we send them to high school and college? To be educated about what is out there?
Heffeman wrote, “We have come to believe only those who have passion find fulfillment and success professionally. It’s as if passion is life’s magic pixie dust. We hold on to this myth despite considerable evidence that millions of people have lived long, happy, useful lives filled with joy and contentment and devoid of a defining passion.” It is critical to look at our emotional investment in our children’s journey. Do they love “it” as much as they say they do or have we pushed them to find that “thing” that they can tell us they love because we really love to hear it?
Hefferman wrote, “And if passion is what makes our children look as special to colleges as they are to us, it’s also what lets us off the pushy parent hook. If a child has a passion were not overdoing it in our zeal, or pursuing our own agenda.”
So what can we, as adults, do to sort through his mania?
1. Be patient and allow our kids to explore rather than push them to define their “thing.”
2. Invest less in organizations aimed to specialize our kids and spend more time getting curious about what fulfills them.
3. Spend less time dropping them off and more time with them. When I have asked, families have a hard time articulating what they do together, but can easily talk about how busy they are.
4. Be honest about our motivations and open to the fact that we have hopes and dreams for our kids and better to have an awareness about this rather than convince ourselves it’s all for them.
5. Stay grounded. Be a role model. Realize how important what we say and how we live impacts our kids.
We have a responsibility to the next generation to help them challenge the pressures, not to be swept away with them until they reach exhaustion. Let’s remember that our job isn’t to produce people who can just achieve success “in doing” but rather people who are successful “in being.” I personally suggest a bike ride in the springtime.
Deborah Dumont is a psychotherapist and director of development at Comprehensive Mental Health Services, Pennington.
This op-ed is part of a series brought to you by the Hopewell Valley Municipal Alliance. The Municipal Alliance’s mission is a community united in the development of caring, confident and responsible youth. With support and cooperation from municipalities, schools, community partners and volunteers, the organization funds and administers over 20 programs and activities in the Hopewell Valley. Heidi Kahme, coordinator.
