By Ilene Black
My husband George is a big fan of HGTV and DIY shows. Like millions of people, he loves seeing yard makeovers and kitchen makeovers and bath makeovers and makeovers of every kind. Unlike millions of people, George gets delusional after watching these shows and believes that he (and I) can do this makeover stuff.
Here’s the thing: we can’t. Not by a long stretch. We can paint. We can stencil. We can buy things and put them in a room. But we cannot do makeovers like on HGTV.
Nor do I EVER plan to learn how. I am thinking about using parental controls on our TV and blocking that channel.
We have lived in our home for 33 years. In that time, we have done every room over at least twice (the kitchen has been redecorated four times).
We have added on a side porch, improved the back patio, added a shed and landscaping, got a new driveway, siding, windows, roof, flooring, kitchen counters, toilets, tub, vanities and various other stuff. But, I am old. I am DONE with home improvements. Done. Do you hear me?
Plus, added bonus, we cannot ever do anything the easy, efficient way. No sirree. It always ends up taking 4 times as long as we planned, not including the trips to Home Depot or West Trenton Hardware in the middle of a project to pick up a forgotten item or more frequently, to get an item to REPAIR the damage that was done.
A closet makeover took us seven hours, not counting the time it took to clear out the closet and clean and paint it. According to the advertisement, it should have taken us about two hours. See what I’m saying here?
George enters Lowe’s and immediately the spirit of HGTV possesses his soul. A light shines down on him when he steps through the doorway (cue heavenly music) and he is transformed into a miracle-worker with imagination, know-how and a bottomless wallet. I am surprised a shrine doesn’t rise up out of the cement floor in the store’s entryway and pilgrims don’t line up to take the waters.
That’s how miraculous his transformation is. Me, I’m trying not to sneeze my brains out from the smells of paint, fertilizer, and fresh-cut wood. I spend my time in Lowe’s with tissues stuffed in my nostrils.
George’s step becomes very bouncy in Lowe’s. He chats and smiles and has energy like a 25-year-old, pointing out impossible stuff to me and saying things like, “That shouldn’t be too hard to do.” I shuffle down the aisles behind him, wondering where we’re going for dinner.
Recently we had to do some repairs to our side porch. One of the repairs was to replace screens on two panels. I decided (I must have been one of those aforementioned pilgrims) that I was up to this task. Gouges, scratches, blood, and bruises notwithstanding, I did a pretty good job of it. It took me six hours to do two panels but whatever. It’s done and the screens don’t flap in the breeze anymore.
Did you ever see the show “Mega Decks”? George loves that show. It worries me. These decks cost more than my house, my dad’s house and ¼ of Ewing put together. I worry that George will become inspired once again and decide to try and rehab our little concrete patio that runs along the back of our house. Me, I’m happy with a planter or two filled with flowers that are drought-resistant (in case I forget to water them). George would like a huge water feature, outdoor gas fireplace, a hot tub that seats 12 of our best friends, and a view of the ocean from our patio. Ain’t gonna happen.
I am satisfied with the way our house is. I don’t feel inspired to undertake another major project that will make every muscle in my body scream for days. I want to sit back and enjoy the fruits of our labors. I want to relax. Although, come to think of it. our bedroom could use some sprucing up. What channel is HGTV?
