One who condones evil is just as guilty as one who perpetrates it.”
This is one of my favorite Dr. Martin Luther King quotes; in addition to the civil rights movement, it often has been applied to those who stood silent as the atrocities of the Holocaust were unleashed upon Europe. But it is a timeless concept and as relevant to moments in our everyday lives as it is to the broad sweep of historical events.
It is also the concept behind an original skit performed by a select group of eighth grade students at Community Middle School for the benefit of their peers and their parents. The students were trained and directed by Jillian Palmieri, who also created “Bystander: A Portrait of Apathy,” a unique bullying prevention program. It was designed to give students the tools to understand how to recognize bullying and intervene as a bystander. The WW-P School District has strong anti-bullying campaigns, which became even more topical and urgent in light of the Dharun Ravi and Tyler Clementi case at Rutgers University.
We were thrilled that Will was chosen as one of the presenters, and we were also impressed at how quickly the students put the performance together. It called for them to learn their lines and hit the stage within the space of just one week. The two dozen or so students represented the wide range of faces at CMS, not just ethnic diversity, but athletes and scientists, actors and musicians, the boisterous as well as the less noisy. It was a great lesson well learned and well taught. There was discussion at the end of the performance, and again, we were impressed with how insightful and articulate the performers were about the lessons they learned.
But there were two points that I wish I had thought to add to the discussion that night and since that moment has passed, I will add them here. There was a lot of focus on talking to the victim and expressing support and compassion. To that I would say that it’s important to talk to the bully and express support and compassion there as well. That might be counter-intuitive to some, especially teenagers, but the reality is that many bullies are angry and aggressive toward the world because they are bullied themselves.
They could be the victims of parental abuse or neglect; they might have older siblings or neighbors, even peers, who are beating up on them physically and or psychologically.
How unhappy and troubled do you think you would have to be to find satisfaction in causing the suffering of others? What turns good kids into bullies?
My other point is that even good kids can be guilty of bullying, even if it is not their intent. Recent case in point: a teenager I know used her iPhone to take a picture of a kid she saw at the mall. The kid’s expression struck her as extremely amusing, so she posted it to Instagram with a caption saying check this out. She did not mean to be a cyber-bully. But then her friends jumped onto the post and made mean comments. The thing about the Internet is that once you post something, you have no control over where it will go, what others will do with it, and who will see it. So a picture and post that were meant to be innocent turned into a free-for-all that would have caused the unsuspecting kid a lot of grief if he had found out. The girl removed the post.
We know that we live in dangerous times, but what we don’t know and cannot possibly anticipate are all the ways our teens can get into trouble or be mean without intending to do so. This is where I will invoke another of my favorite quotes — “Eternal Vigilance is the Price of Liberty” — often attributed to President Thomas Jefferson. But I would add my own modern-day Suburban Mom twist — “Eternal Vigilance is the price of living in a Cyber World, especially with children and teenagers.”
One final observation on an entirely different topic: since everyone seems to have an opinion about the gay marriage debate currently raging in our country and the Supreme Court, here’s mine.
I believe that if two consenting adults want to marry, it is not the business of government to interfere with their union and certainly not right for the government to deny benefits. There are those on the religious right who invoke the Biblical idea of marriage as the institution designed for procreation. To that argument I present to you Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar of Arkansas. This reality-show couple has 19 children and has expressed their desire to have more. To me, their ideology and lifestyle are way more troubling than the idea of two parents of the same sex raising children with love and a strong moral compass.
This is monumental and historic stuff, along the lines of Roe v. Wade and the civil rights movement of the 1960s. That we as a society have evolved to the point where a discussion like this is happening in 2013 is right and proper. It’s about time.
