Some people say that the teenage years are the hardest to get through and I’d have to agree. It’s the summer before I head off to college, and after finishing the application process and finishing high school successfully, I should be feeling really good, right? Well, I’m 17 years old and I hate to admit it, but it’s still an awkward time in a kind of in-between sense.
From about the age of 13 until I was 16 was known in my family as “the dark ages” for me. My mom came up with this title to describe the era during which we fought the most and I was unruly and hormonal. Back then I couldn’t understand that she was right most of the time.
But now I feel like I have found the light at the end of the tunnel, and we are on the same page about most things. In September I will be 18, legally an adult, and this summer, with drivers’ licenses and summer jobs, my friends and I cannot afford to be immature. But for some reason, the idea that this is our last real summer at home has all of us feeling antsy and rebellious, and in some ways, regressing to some of our old childhood ways.
I think part of it is feeling the pressure of being a college freshman and thinking about majors and jobs, and –– gasp –– the future. There’s a saying that one always feels old and wise as a high school graduate, but young and naive as a college freshman. Am I the only one who feels uneasy that this is how my summer is bookended, trapped in this awkward limbo between needing to be prepared for adulthood and freedom but at the same time wanting to hold on to the carefree feeling of being a child? Is it really true that because the Harry Potter movie series has come to a close, my life as a kid needs to end as well? It’s been a rollercoaster summer; teary goodbyes with high school friends in California have been interrupted by orientations and class registrations. We have to decide who we want to be in college. And, naturally, there is some anxiety involved. Sure, college is the place to try new things and reinvent yourself, but who you are when you arrive is the sum of your experiences so far.
Maybe the idea of studying with more consequences and more responsibility and working professionally in just a few years and having it really count for something puts an unspoken pressure on us. Coming off high school we are motivated and bright-eyed about the future. I am very excited for college and the prospects of meeting new people and expanding my horizons, but something is holding me back and making me want to savor my high school glory and make this summer last forever.
I know that just as the last four years have, the next four years will profoundly change who I am and define a path for me that I will take into adulthood. But at this point, is it so wrong to crave independence, and at the same time to want to hold on to both the literal and figurative shelters given to me in my childhood home? Why does it feel so paradoxical? Each second that passes feels like a milestone, like a barrier crossed, making me feel like an outsider looking in on my kid self. It’s scary at times.
In the news recently was the story of Leiby Kletzky, an eight-year-old boy who was kidnapped walking home from his day camp in Brooklyn. It was the first time he was allowed to walk home by himself, and somewhere within the seven blocks between his camp and his home, he got lost and made the tragic mistake of asking the wrong person for directions. As a new driver, the prospect of getting lost is very likely, and though most of us nowadays rely on GPS, sometimes you really do need to ask for directions to finagle your way out of wandering. Kletzky only did what any resourceful kid would do, and now he is the victim of a horrific, fatal crime.
I’d hate to think of myself or any of my friends getting into similarly dangerous, even deadly situations, but the grim reality of adulthood is realizing that the world can be a shocking and confusing place sometimes. It is absolutely necessary to be cautious instead of lighthearted and untroubled, but sometimes that’s hard for teenagers to accept, especially those who dislike the concept of consequences.
This past week felt like a blast from the past, when, during an argument with my mother I felt the Molly of “the dark ages” re-emerging as I refused to help her make beds and insisted on staying out late with friends without acknowledging my own responsibilities. I owned up to my mistake, but not without noting later that night in the car with a couple friends, that all of us had recently been in discord with our parents.
Because when the graduation celebrations simmer down, we realize that things are going to change very soon, and perhaps the only way to deal with our apprehension is to hold back and delve into what is familiar, albeit immature. But that feeling of angst and anticipation doesn’t excuse bad behavior or the denial of an imminent reality. With this realization and eventual acceptance, I believe that we will truly be ready for this monumental change in our lives as well as fully capable of becoming the responsible adults our society needs and parents would like us to be.
