When you were a kid you might have dreaded having “the conversation” with your parents. Now you might be 30 or 40 years older and you may still dread having “the conversation” with your parents. This time, however, it’s not about birds and bees; it’s about death and dying and what you can do for them and they can do for you to ease the pain of that inevitable transition.##M:[more]##
Susan Piver has literally written the book on the subject. Piver will discuss “The Hard Questions for Adult Children and Their Aging Parents: Facing the Future Together,” on Friday, January 13, at 7 p.m. at RWJ Hamilton’s Center for Health & Wellness in Hamilton.
Piver, who has written two other “Hard Questions” books — “100 Essential Questions to Ask the One You Love,” published in 2000, and “The Hard Questions for an Authentic Life,” which came out in 2004 — says that the spark for this one came two years ago, when her family was planning her father’s 80th birthday party. “You can’t plan something like that without wondering how many more you will spend together,” she says. “I was so scared and upset when I thought about losing my parents; I couldn’t think about it for more than one second.”
A Boston-based producer, author, and marketing specialist, Piver started worrying that if one of her parents — now ages 75 and 82 and healthy — became sick, she might have difficulty dealing with it emotionally. “I wanted to keep getting closer till the end of our lives,” she says. “I didn’t want my own fear and discomfort to get in the way.”
Piver wrote the book from the point of view of a “child,” assuming that it was people her own age who wanted to raise the difficult issues. “It is just as likely to be the reverse,” says Piver, who has a 19-year-old stepson. Parents would say to her: “I think about this because I am the aging one, and I want to share my worries and instructions with my children — because they don’t want to talk about it!” She also heard from lawyers, who thought they had covered everything, but hadn’t.
But her most frequent response has been from relieved children, who tell her: “We’ve been trying to talk about this for years, but couldn’t get the conversation started. The book was the perfect excuse.”
What has been most meaningful to Piver is how the book has helped adult children break down barriers with their parents simply “by having the conversation.” By creating an opportunity to talk about family history and spiritual beliefs the book has sometimes helped “improve relationships that seemed like they couldn’t be improved.” Understanding parents’ needs can provide emotional comfort later, says Piver, when the child is able, for example, to say a favorite prayer for an ill parent. “To know we’re doing what they value — that’s the whole point of this book, doing what our parents want us to do. We don’t want to have to make it up ourselves during a crisis.”
Talking to parents in an organized way can also uncover information that would otherwise be lost, from the names of people in family photographs, to the meatloaf recipe you’ve always loved. “When we make something that one of our parents made, we feel a continuing lineage of family and connection,” says Piver.
“You have to prepare for grief,” she says. “If you don’t think about it beforehand, it is too chaotic and painful when a parent dies.” She advises people to let the painful thoughts in and talk about them with their parents. She was lucky that her own parents have been very open to the process.
It all comes down to facing one’s life with courage. Says Piver: “Don’t shy away from your own life, but be practical at the same time. Whenever the end of my life comes, I want to know I have really lived and loved the best I could.”
Facing the Future Together, Friday, January 13, 7 p.m., Friends’ Health Connection, RWJ Hamilton Center for Health & Wellness, 3100 Quakerbridge Road, Hamilton. Register. $15. 800-483-7436.
