Ellie Slott Fisher had no way to prepare for the sudden death of her first husband, an attorney in Philadelphia, who died of an undiagnosed heart condition. She was in her late 30s and her two children were just 5 and 9. “It took me a while before I felt any interest and courage in dating again. Then I made all the mistakes you can make,” she says. “I was a great mom but I didn’t know what I was doing when I started dating again. I met someone, got swept off my feet — and let the relationship go too fast without being aware that my children weren’t traveling along with me. Then I married this person. I divorced after two and a half years.
“By that time, my daughter was 16, my son 12. When I resumed dating, I was a lot wiser. And throughout this whole period, I’ve always been approached by single moms asking, ‘how do I date?’”
So she wrote the book, “Mom, There’s A Man in the Kitchen and He’s Wearing Your Robe: The Single Mother’s Guide to Dating Well Without Parenting Poorly” (Da Capo Lifelong Books, February, 2005). Fisher gives a book signing at Barnes & Noble MarketFair on Wednesday, June 1.
“It’s a humorous, honest approach to dating as a single parent, based on my own experiences, and interviews with single moms, the children of single moms, the men who date single moms, and a few psychologists,” says Fisher. “It’s meant to be a very down-to earth candid view written by a woman who’s been there.”
Here are five tips culled from Fisher’s book:
Date when you’re ready and not when others think you should be. Ignore the comments of well-meaning family and friends and nosy neighbors who will judge that you’re dating too soon or not soon enough. You’ll know when you have the desire to be held again, to have sex, to have a man to flirt with and to confide in. Feel good in your own skin. Too many people aren’t healed after a bad marriage, and they go out there making their own mistakes. You need to like who you are before starting another relationship.
Be honest with your children from the outset. Too many people say, I’ll tell my kids when I’m in love, but by the time that happens, their children don’t even know they’ve been dating.
Lose the guilt. You are entitled to have a social life.
Save your unbridled passion for behind locked doors. We do not realize how much passion will play when we resume dating, particularly if we’ve been in a sexless marriage. Hence the title of the book. Women get caught all the time. Here’s an excerpt from Chapter 6, “And You thought Sex was a Thing of the Past”:
“Maribeth judged the mothers who got caught in inappropriate moments as being reckless. That was before she met Wally. After a few dates, a physical affection began to develop between them, taking on a life of its own, a breathless, out-of-control, God what have I been missing?’ quality. Self-control gave way to lust.
“One evening, Wally, confident Maribeth’s children were safely squared away in bed, lifted her onto the top of the washing machine. In their hot-blooded, libidinous excitement, Maribeth’s very naked butt hit the timer on the machine, discharging an excruciatingly loud buzzer into the quiet of the night.
“A moment later a little voice said, `Mom?’”
Fisher has been dating a man who lives in Princeton for three years, who she actually met 10 years ago, at a funeral of a friend’s parent. And how are her kids taking it? “They have grown to be very, very fond of this man,” she says.
“Mom, There’s a Man in the Kitchen and He’s Wearing Your Robe,” book talk and signing by Ellie Slott Fisher, Wednesday, June 1, 7 p.m., Barnes & Noble MarketFair. 609-716-1570.
