An open letter to my three children: Let’s start with the basic understanding that I love you. Unconditionally. And that I will always love you. Unconditionally. Except that you’re already starting to get on my nerves.##M:[more]## And the summer is so young yet, oh, so very young. So right here, right now I’m establishing some basic house rules to ensure domestic tranquility in our home this summer. I highly recommend adhering to these rules. Not only will they preserve my sanity, they will enhance your very chances for survival. So listen up, my sweets.
Understand that it was not my life’s ambition to grow up to become your personal car service. When I drive you somewhere, it is because I am choosing to do so, not because I am obligated to do so. It would be nice to hear words of appreciation when we arrive at your destination. You should also comprehend that I have a life too and I may actually have something to do other than get you from one social event to the next. Also remember that there are three of you and only one of me. So if I can’t get you to where you want/need to go immediately, or if I decide that I don’t want to get you to where you want/need to go immediately, you’ll just have to deal with it. Or wait. Or give me a really nice gift and we’ll see what can be arranged.
Understand that wet towels do not spontaneously grow feet and walk themselves to the washing machine. And then decide to hop into the dryer and then march back into the linen closet to wait for you. I realize that it’s pool and beach season and there’s nothing like a fresh, fragrant towel with which to wrap your body. But I’m getting tired of my daily encounters with soggy towels. Whether it’s the bathroom floor, kitchen or laundry room, it all seems to be one big equal opportunity dumping ground. Even more nasty are soggy towels thrown into the bottom of the hamper and forgotten until I reach in on laundry day. Mildew does not give me great tidings of joy.
Just as towels don’t grow feet, food doesn’t either. Have you ever seen a carton of milk walk itself back into the refrigerator? Or the mayonnaise close up its own lid and hurtle itself back between the mustard and the salad dressing? When you remove something from the refrigerator and use it, it is incumbent upon you to use your cute little utilitarian hands with your oh so handy opposing thumbs to put it back where it belongs. Otherwise the milk tends to go sour, especially with the summer heat. And mayonnaise and the like can actually spawn dangerous organisms that can wreak havoc with your digestive tract. Botulism is not a good essay topic for how I spent my summer vacation. Trust me on that one.
No, I do not know where your flip-flops “went.” Nor do I know where your favorite bathing suit, jacket ____ (fill in the blank) “went”. Just as the aforementioned towels and food— inanimate objects — as most of your possessions tend to be, do not have any means of locomotion and therefore are not given to bouts of wanderlust. They do not have ambitions of world travel or a passport they are eager to get stamped. So more than likely, those flip-flops are still sitting wherever you left them last. On the other hand, the only one of your possessions that actually does have legs – your dog – sadly, has not gone anywhere in a long, long time. I would suggest that as soon as you track down those flip-flops, it’s time you actually “went” somewhere. A walk with your dog would be nice.
Understand that I am not your ATM. I don’t look like an ATM. I don’t act like an ATM. And I am certainly not stocked with wads and wads of cash like an ATM. So why are you treating me like one? I can’t believe I actually caught myself saying “money doesn’t grow on trees” the other day. It’s one of those unbelievably corny phrases you thought only your parents or grandparents would say. But you drove me to it. You beat me back. Once upon a time, back in my single days, I would stop at the ATM on Monday morning on my way to work, withdraw one twenty dollar bill and it would last me until the end of the week. Today, one five minute stop at the video store and that twenty is gone. Vanished. History. If you want more money than I have or am willing to give, I suggest you get it the old-fashioned way. Earn it.
Understand that there are just some movies I won’t take you to see. Over the years I have developed an extremely high tolerance for most things. Things that would have made me squeamish in my life before children simply don’t bother me anymore. I have reached into the toilet to rescue a hairbrush, or to grab a stuffed animal that needed a rescue. I have cleaned up matter ejected from both ends of the body, both animal and human. I’ve actually caught barf in my bare hands in a futile attempt to protect a new carpet. But gratuitous violence is a waste of time and money. So is sexist stuff that sends the wrong message. So let’s go to the library and get some good books instead. The only price of admission is your imagination.
Squabbling with your siblings will drive me up a wall. I have talked about this issue before. If I blatantly played favorites, I could understand how there might be some dissension. If one of you had way more than the next, if you got ice cream and the other did not, yes, I scream, you scream might be justified. But mark my words. If you guys fight, it’s the surest way to make me ban other friends and make you spend more time with each other. If you can’t learn to get along on your own, well, then I’ll just have to help you along. It will be my pleasure to promote family togetherness and brotherly-sisterly love.
Speaking of friends, do not expect me to run a three-ring circus to entertain you and your buddies. I enjoy having them here and I am glad that the socialization we did with you as a toddler in playgroups has paid off and you have learned to share and get along nicely with others. But do not expect to have your time filled wall to wall and to have a buddy in each frame of the picture. Moreover, I had more than one child with the intent that you would play with each other. We don’t have to import kids to our home every single day to make sure you’re not alone or lonely. There’s also the concept of solitude, the idea of being comfortable in your own skin. The difference between loneliness and solitude is that people who enjoy spending time with themselves can appreciate solitude, while those who thirst for the validation of others can get lost in their loneliness. Read, practice an instrument, go out for a run, daydream. Hang out with yourself. More than likely, you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
Get it? Got it? Great!
Love, Mom
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