Summer Lessons: I was witness to a cat fight the other day. It had all the elements of a good old-fashioned knock-down drag-out, including snarling, and spitting and claws, but the participants were human, not feline, and it took place in a swank New York department store instead of a back alley.##M:[more]##
Katie and I were in the fitting room where she was trying on a pile of over-priced clothing when the sounds of dissension rang out close by. I won’t go into the words but they weren’t the kind you’d want to hear anywhere, much less when you’re out on what’s supposed to be a pleasant expedition. The gist of it was that the overworked and underpaid fitting room attendant was angry at the customer service representatives (a fancy and more politically correct term for clerks) because they were bringing mountains of clothing discarded in the dressing rooms and dumping them onto her already groaning rack. Though technically it was her job to hang up and put away, she felt distressed that everybody simply threw things on the floor. It rang of disrespect and carelessness, a sense of “I’m simply too busy and too important to be bothered” mentality from the shoppers, and from the other clerks, a sense of “my job is more important than yours and I’m on commission and you’re not.”
“You wouldn’t believe some of the people who come in here,” the dressing room assistant had fumed to me just before the snarlfest. Oh, yes, I could only imagine the kinds of people who thought their positions in life or bank account somehow gave them a passport for bad behavior. Bad behavior is on the upswing, and it’s everywhere, no thanks, in part to bad behavior in real life that somehow gets rewarded.
Like the sportscaster Marv Albert, who was involved in the famous biting sex episode and fired from his job with MSG, only to resurface a short time later. Or Martha Stewart, who served highly-publicized jail time to return to life as the doyenne of the civilized life with new book and TV deals and her stock back on the rise. I don’t want to go there, but consider the bad behavior of overpaid professional athletes and their “underbrained” fans. As a parent I shudder to think of Paris Hilton as the new poster girl for the jet-setting, carefree life of the young and the rich and the badly behaved.
You realize the minute they lay that baby in your arms in the hospital that they don’t come with instruction manuals. There’s the daily maintenance stuff like changing diapers, feeding them, and nourishing their minds and spirits, but it’s also a parent’s obligation to impart good morals and good manners. Here are some of my favorite guidelines :
Teach your children that good manners are not just a reflection on them but on their parents.
It’s not just a matter of please and thank you. It’s a matter of greeting people when you see them, saying hello in a pleasant voice, looking people in the eye. I remember coming home to a whole flock of kids playing basketball in my driveway one day. With the exception of my own daughter, who came bounding up to me with a hi and a hug, not one of those children said hello, or looked me in the eye and acknowledged my presence even while they played at my home.
While some may excuse them and say it’s the age, I say bad manners are bad manners, whether the person is 3, 13, or 93. When an adult arrives or enters the room, you should always acknowledge their presence. A simple hello is fine. In my time — and now I’m sounding like my parents — you stood up when an elder entered the room and if you were a male, you stood up when a female entered the room regardless of age. Good manners are timeless. They’ll never go out of style while those latest jeans might.
Teach your children the value of a simple, handwritten note.
In this day and age of electronic mail, voice mail, and instant messaging, there is grace and beauty in the old-fashioned note. It doesn’t have to be more than three lines. In fact, there is something streamlined and poetic about a short note, almost like haiku, and what better way to say thank you, get well soon, I’m thinking about you, I love you, I miss you.
Buy your children a stack of all-occasion notecards and a book of stamps to keep in their desks. Teach your kids by example. Let them see you writing a note, let them read your sentiments. Have your littlest ones help you by dropping your letters in the mail slot at the post office.
Teach your children that R.S.V.P. means to respond to an invitation in a timely manner.
I know I’ve been guilty myself of holding out on responding to an invitation until I have a better sense of what’s going with our schedules. But I’ve also been on the other end when I’m hosting an event and I don’t have a sense of how much food or drink I have to prepare because people don’t call until they have a better sense of what’s going in their lives. Sometimes I never hear from them. They may show up or not but then I’m left wondering if they ever got the invitation. Maybe it got lost in the mail. Greet your hostess at both ends of the party. Saying hello when you come may be intuitive, but in most cases, you should also remember to say thank you and good-bye when you leave.
Teach your children how to say “I’m sorry” gracefully.
Saying I’m sorry doesn’t make you a weak person. It’s not embarrassing or humiliating to say I’m sorry. Saying I’m sorry when appropriate shows courage and grace. It takes a strong person to acknowledge he or she is wrong and to take responsibility. Saying I’m sorry can clear the air. It can lift a weight from your shoulders.
Teach your children that helping around the house is part of the responsibility of being a member of a family.
A child as young as 3 is perfectly capable of making his own bed and will be proud of his accomplishment. Young children love to “do it myself” and help out. At 4, they can help load unload the dishwasher. At 6 they can make scrambled eggs, as long as you supervise the part at the stove. Do not underestimate your child’s capability of doing things, or their desire to contribute. Children can help mow the lawn and scrub the floor. Make it part of the family’s Saturday morning ritual. Hard work, taking care of your things makes you end up respecting the value of your belongings and taking better care of them, whether it’s your house, your car, a boat, your room, or your toys.
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